My Father and I were sitting together in the midst of a deep valley.
Totally unexpected, my Father turned to me and said, "Daughter, lets
climb that mountain together." As I looked up, there stood a mountain
unlike any I had ever seen before. Rocky, jagged, and incredibly steep.
"No,
Father. I am very comfortable in this valley. It's safe here. It's
familiar. Yes, it's a little dark, but I really don't want to leave.
I'll just stay here." My heart began to race, as I knew my Father could
coax me into anything He wanted me to do. This mountain ahead was just
going to be too much, though. And I did not want to climb a mountain of
this size and stature.
"Daughter, you have asked me
time and time again to take you anywhere I wanted you to go. Today, I
want to begin the climb to the peak of this mountain. Together, we can
do it. I'll go ahead of you and make a way."
I could
not resist my Father. I knew any climb He had for me would be what was
best in the long run. He took a step ahead of me and reached back for my
hand. "We'll start slow. We'll take baby steps, until you are ready to
move faster. I promise I will climb every step with you. I will never
leave you."
In a quiet voice, barely audible, I
replied, "Ok, Father. What ever you want". He smiled down at me seeming
so proud and pleased. And so we took our first steps. It was a little
rocky at times, and just slightly up hill. I remember thinking that I
didn't know why I ever resisted. I trust this man who is going before
me, and He would never lead me to something I could not handle.
Suddenly,
in the front of us I noticed the path was getting a little more steep.
"Father, can we rest?" I said. "No daughter. We have only begun our
climb. Lets keep going."
Winded, and thirsty, I
continued the climb reaching for my Father's hand. He gladly held my
hand, looking down on me with a gentle smile. I felt very safe and
secure. Then out of no where came a boulder in the middle off the path. I
knew my Father well enough to know He would climb over the boulder
rather than going around. So I readied myself as much as possible to
make the climb. He went ahead of me, showing me every single place to
put my foot. As we reached the top He said, "Isn't it beautiful?" I
turned and looked back at the path we had been on. "Oh my! How
beautiful!" I exclaimed.
Soon we found our path again.
This time the path was far more steep, and far more narrow. As we
walked slowly along the path I asked Him for a rest. My soul needed
water, my feet needed rest. He willingly saw that I was tired, and so we
found a nice rock, and sat for a while. We drank cool water from a
nearby stream, and chatted about the adventure had we had already been
on. He smiled gently at me and said, "Child, it's going to get better.
Are you ready to go?" I reluctantly replied, "Yes Father. I trust you."
The
path became even more narrow as we climbed a little faster this time.
There was a drop off on one side, and trees on the other. I began to
tremble. My Father took my hand to steady me. We walked side by side for
what seemed to be miles. I began to relax, as my trust in His judgement
grew stronger. Often times He would place His arm around me to keep me
from falling. Often He would walk behind me, having my back in case I
slipped.
Day after day, night after night, we climbed. The night time was the hardest. Through the forest,
there were nights we could not even see the moon. At times I would drop
to my knees and crawl. I could not see Him, but I could here His tender
voice. "Child, how I love you. My love will never cease. You are my
pride and joy. Together we will see the peak."
I
remember one evening the sky began to darken. A storm cloud was blowing
in. "Father I am scared! This is getting very dangerous! Can we go back
to the safe valley?" I pleaded. "No, my child! You MUST trust me! There
is no going back!" As the storm grew closer, I began to cry. "Oh
Father, I am terrified! I can't do this any more!" He face look down on
me with a gentle smile, and He replied, "Yes you can make it. With me
you can do anything.." He reached out and pulled me close, His arms
wrapped tightly around me. I had never felt so safe in my entire life.
For the next few miles, He carried me.
Along the way, we met many other travelers.
Each one added a different ingredient to our journey. Some would stop
and chat for a while. Their encouraging words would tell me everything
would be alright. They would say that the climb I was on was worth the
view I would soon get to see. Other fellow travelers would heckle me and
say "You can't do this! You are not good enough to even be on this
path! Your Father doesn't love you. No one loves you. You are unlovable.
He is leading you to a cliff that you will fall from, and we can't wait
to see it happen!" At times these voices were screaming in my face,
causing me so much pain. But my Father would always speaking lovingly to
the strangers and say, "My daughter is stronger than you think she is.
With Me, she will be perfectly fine." I trusted His voice, even when I
could not see His face. And so we traveled on.
Some
days the trail was wide and smooth. The beauty all around brought peace
and comfort. And some days were dark. On those days, I could barely hear
His voice, and I certainly could not see Him. But I continued on.
Sometimes we would almost run, racing to the peak. Other times, we
slowly took baby steps. Some days, my fear took a hold, and I stepped
backwards. On those days, my Father came back and got me, and walked by
my side, as I crawled along. He stayed there, moving slowly until I
could stand again.
Along the way, we talked about any
and everything. We remembered the past, we looked to the future. We
laughed and we cried. I fell several times. At times the wounds were
deep. My Father would bind my wounds, so lovingly and gently. Then He
would sweetly say, "It will take a while for this to heal. You will
always have a scar. But the scar will remind you of our journey
together, and my tender loving care." Painful much of the time, the
wounds did begin to heal. Sometimes they would reopen, but Father would
place His healing balm on them, and they would heal stronger than ever
before.
After days and days, months and months, I could
see the peak of the mountain. I was climbing much faster and harder by
now. Seeing the peak, and knowing it was in reach somehow gave me
strength I never knew I had. There were more and more days that my
Father and I laughed. Fewer tears were shed. Lighthearted and at peace,
the journey, though still steep, was getting easier.
Finally
after miles and miles of travel, meeting many fellow travelers along
the way, many scraps, burns, thorns, and gashes, the peak was only a few
feet away! Father ran ahead of me. I could see Him standing there at
the peak of the mountain. His face was glowing with pride, as He smiled
at me. "Child! Look at you! You have become so strong! You are so
beautiful! I am so proud of you for going on this adventure with me. No
Father has ever been more proud!" He reached His hands out to me. His
hands were scarred, too. I knew then that He had understood every hurt I
had gone through. I grabbed His hands, and together we turned and took
in the view.
Oh my! The beauty of this magnificent
view! I could see the entire path we had been on. I could hear applause
from my fellow travelers. And then we all just stood quietly, in awe of
the view. Our voices raised in praise, as one. For the view was so worth
the journey we had taken together. My Father wrapped His arms around me
beaming with pride, and love. "Well done my child. I have never loved
you more than I do today!"
I am ready for another
journey, after I rest here for a bit. My Father will be there every step
of the way, cheering me on, healing my wounds and loving me
unconditionally. He's wonderful like that, you know....
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Broken People
As I sat with a friend, sipping green tea and chatting on Sunday, our conversation turned to some of our unlikely friendships. We were talking about people that God has thrown in our path unexpectedly. My friend said to me, "I just love broken people! I am a hot mess! So I love reaching out to people that are broken like me!" I quickly agreed! I am a hot mess, too! And I am a broken person. Truth be told, we all are broken in one way or another.
After that conversation with my friend, I have thought so much about her words. God LOVES to use our mess! Not matter how messy our lives have been, He can turn things around and make our mess beautiful! If we were all perfectly honest, we all have some sort of mess in our lives, whether in the past, or something going on right now. God's greatest desire is to use our mess for His glory! He wants us to be honest about our messes, share our testimony with others and be vulnerable enough that others can see what He can do with a life despite our mess! Obviously, we must use wisdom so we do not hurt those whom we love. We don't want to throw our loved ones under the bus by telling all their sins and failures while telling our own. There is a time and a place to tell our story, and God will give us wisdom as to when that time is and how much we should say. But we still can trust His hand enough to guide us when it's time to tell what He has done in our lives.
Most of the time, we don't even have to tell our story. We can just use the wisdom He has given us to listen to others that are going through hard times. Most people just want to be heard. They want someone to listen to their story and love them anyway. Love them no matter what they've done, or where they are in their life.
For me, today, I am going through the hardest time of my life. Divorce. It has been so painful. I have been faced with my own sin, as well as the effects of the sin of others. I am learning to walk humbly in the face of hurt and pain. I am learning to stop and think before I speak. But through this journey, God is growing in me strength and endurance. I wish He would have picked another way. This is NOT the mess I would have chosen for myself. But this is the path He is allowing me to walk. There are new, scary challenges at every turn. He meets me there time after time.
The day will come when He can use my hot mess in the lives of others. For now, I covet your prayers for wisdom and strength as I walk through the doors of this new life. Though I do not do things perfectly, My Father's hand is on my back, guiding me every step of the way. He holds me in His arms at night, and sings over me. He is truly my everlasting love.
Here is one of His many promises to me....
"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19
AMEN!!! Much Love!
After that conversation with my friend, I have thought so much about her words. God LOVES to use our mess! Not matter how messy our lives have been, He can turn things around and make our mess beautiful! If we were all perfectly honest, we all have some sort of mess in our lives, whether in the past, or something going on right now. God's greatest desire is to use our mess for His glory! He wants us to be honest about our messes, share our testimony with others and be vulnerable enough that others can see what He can do with a life despite our mess! Obviously, we must use wisdom so we do not hurt those whom we love. We don't want to throw our loved ones under the bus by telling all their sins and failures while telling our own. There is a time and a place to tell our story, and God will give us wisdom as to when that time is and how much we should say. But we still can trust His hand enough to guide us when it's time to tell what He has done in our lives.
Most of the time, we don't even have to tell our story. We can just use the wisdom He has given us to listen to others that are going through hard times. Most people just want to be heard. They want someone to listen to their story and love them anyway. Love them no matter what they've done, or where they are in their life.
For me, today, I am going through the hardest time of my life. Divorce. It has been so painful. I have been faced with my own sin, as well as the effects of the sin of others. I am learning to walk humbly in the face of hurt and pain. I am learning to stop and think before I speak. But through this journey, God is growing in me strength and endurance. I wish He would have picked another way. This is NOT the mess I would have chosen for myself. But this is the path He is allowing me to walk. There are new, scary challenges at every turn. He meets me there time after time.
The day will come when He can use my hot mess in the lives of others. For now, I covet your prayers for wisdom and strength as I walk through the doors of this new life. Though I do not do things perfectly, My Father's hand is on my back, guiding me every step of the way. He holds me in His arms at night, and sings over me. He is truly my everlasting love.
Here is one of His many promises to me....
"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19
AMEN!!! Much Love!
Friday, April 19, 2013
The Ripple Effect
I am by far going through the most difficult time in my life right now. God is teaching me so much through this journey. I am embracing every word He is speaking into my life. It is a painful journey, both physically and emotionally. At times, it feels like it will never end. There was a day this past week that I literally prayed to Him, saying simply this: "You promised you would not give us more than we can bear. I am at my limit! I can not bear any more right now!" Guess what? The load eased.
I began to see glimmers of hope in my darkness. I began to be encouraged by acquaintances, close friends, and family. The out pouring of love has brought me to tears day after day. My heart has been so encouraged. At times I can feel myself soaring on His wings, because of all the love and encouragement I have received.
Through all the love, I have come to realize one major theme. Our lives have a ripple effect. Everything we say or do is passed along to someone else, and influencing them, whether it is in a good way or a bad way. People are watching. And they are following your footsteps.
I have had many struggles with failures over the years. I am certainly not a perfect person. And my sin has had a ripple effect. I have had to come to terms with areas I have failed. I have had to humble myself, confess my sins, apologized and turn from my failures. I have also been so uplifted and humbled to realize that there has been positive ripple effects during my journey on others that I didn't even realize were watching. You see, God doesn't love us because we are perfect, or stop loving us when we fail. God loves us for who we are. He loves us simply because we are His. I am readily accepting His unconditional, unending love.
It is my deepest desire, as I walk through this fire, that God be glorified. I had a moment of prayer last week where I said to Him, "If I must go through this much hurt, stress, loss and pain, then You have to use it for your glory! That's my only desire!"
When you get to be my age, (and that's pretty old haha) you begin to realize what really matters in life. As I watch young people search for the meaning of life, I have come to an age where I have found it. The meaning of life is simply this: giving of yourself to God, and to others, and loving those God puts in your life with all your heart. We are placed here for one simple purpose. That purpose is not for ourselves, our happiness, or our own comfort. I know this first hand, because I am way out of my comfort zone right now! Rather, our purpose is to bring God glory. It is my deepest desire that the ripple effect my life has on others is to point them to a deeper relationship with God. The deeper your relationship with Him, the more you trust Him when you're in the fire.
The end of my story has yet to be told. I have countless people praying for miracles, for my strength, for me to have wisdom, and for my healing. You can't even begin to know how much I love you all, and how important your prayers are to me and my family. But when all is said and done, at the root of it all, I want to know that God receives glory. After all, that's our purpose in life. When you go through the fire, you can hold on to Him, trust Him completely, give Him praise, and long for His glory, too.
Much love everyone! You are more dear to me than ever! I treasure each of you more than you know!
I began to see glimmers of hope in my darkness. I began to be encouraged by acquaintances, close friends, and family. The out pouring of love has brought me to tears day after day. My heart has been so encouraged. At times I can feel myself soaring on His wings, because of all the love and encouragement I have received.
Through all the love, I have come to realize one major theme. Our lives have a ripple effect. Everything we say or do is passed along to someone else, and influencing them, whether it is in a good way or a bad way. People are watching. And they are following your footsteps.
I have had many struggles with failures over the years. I am certainly not a perfect person. And my sin has had a ripple effect. I have had to come to terms with areas I have failed. I have had to humble myself, confess my sins, apologized and turn from my failures. I have also been so uplifted and humbled to realize that there has been positive ripple effects during my journey on others that I didn't even realize were watching. You see, God doesn't love us because we are perfect, or stop loving us when we fail. God loves us for who we are. He loves us simply because we are His. I am readily accepting His unconditional, unending love.
It is my deepest desire, as I walk through this fire, that God be glorified. I had a moment of prayer last week where I said to Him, "If I must go through this much hurt, stress, loss and pain, then You have to use it for your glory! That's my only desire!"
When you get to be my age, (and that's pretty old haha) you begin to realize what really matters in life. As I watch young people search for the meaning of life, I have come to an age where I have found it. The meaning of life is simply this: giving of yourself to God, and to others, and loving those God puts in your life with all your heart. We are placed here for one simple purpose. That purpose is not for ourselves, our happiness, or our own comfort. I know this first hand, because I am way out of my comfort zone right now! Rather, our purpose is to bring God glory. It is my deepest desire that the ripple effect my life has on others is to point them to a deeper relationship with God. The deeper your relationship with Him, the more you trust Him when you're in the fire.
The end of my story has yet to be told. I have countless people praying for miracles, for my strength, for me to have wisdom, and for my healing. You can't even begin to know how much I love you all, and how important your prayers are to me and my family. But when all is said and done, at the root of it all, I want to know that God receives glory. After all, that's our purpose in life. When you go through the fire, you can hold on to Him, trust Him completely, give Him praise, and long for His glory, too.
Much love everyone! You are more dear to me than ever! I treasure each of you more than you know!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Health update
About 2 weeks ago, I had an ultra sound done on my leg to see if my blood clot was stable enough for me to move forward with surgery. After talking things over with my radiologist, and then my Dr, we made an amazing discovery!
A long, long time ago, I had another blood clot. This one was in my thigh, in a main blood vessel. It only took me a second to remember having this blood clot. It was right after Lindsay was born. I had every symptom of a major blood clot, but my obstetrician misdiagnosed it! While talking to my Dr, he told me that blood clots in this exact location is the #1 cause of death in women after child birth! God spared my life! What an overwhelming thought! God used His healing power to spare my life. No medicine! No doctors! Pure God and His healing power!
We found from this ultra sound that my current blood clot is stable, and becoming "old" tissue. So I got the go ahead from my Internist and my Gynecologist to move forward with surgery. (a complete and total hysterectomy, done with robotics) Because this surgery is a major gynecology surgery, there is danger in me developing another blood clot in my thigh where the 24 year old clot was. There is also danger of me developing clots in other locations. I asked my Internist, once again, if there was any alternative we could try before we moved forward with this surgery. He assured me that everything has been done that could be done. And nothing is working, so surgery is the next step.
It has taken me a few days to 'chew' on this new knowledge. I obviously have known that I am at risk to develop new blood clots with any surgical procedure. But realizing the danger with this future surgery has taken me a few days to take in. One of my dear friends said to me "Kim, God saved your life without you even knowing it many years ago. He will do it again. I have NO DOUBT!" I'm drawing on her confidence and encouragement, and my confidence and faith in God. He has given me peace that this road may be rocky at times, but I will come out of it just fine. :)
Last week I saw my surgeon, Dr Depasquale, for my first visit. He was kind, and understanding, and knowledgeable in preventing blood clots. He called my Internist and they devised a plan that included aggressive treatment with Lovenox injections (yuck!) and Coumadin before and after surgery. Hopefully this will prevent new clots after surgery. No guarantees, but it's the best option for me. We did discuss placing a mesh filter in an artery temporarily until I am past the danger. Then it would be removed. This would give me peace of mind, and added protection, but would also mean 2 more procedures to go through. So, as of today, I have decided against it.
He could not do my surgery until Feb 22. I was disappointed, as I am ready to move forward with all this. I have been sick since late summer, first with the gynecology problems, then with the blood clot that was the result of a minor surgery, and then again with the gynecology problems. This adventure has become difficult emotionally as well as physically. Since we know God is building endurance through all this, I will be the toughest, strongest woman you know when all this is over :) haha We are praying for a cancellation and an earlier date, but God knows best.
Thank you for your prayers. I will keep you updated.
But for now, my prayer request are:
*Emotional peace, and strength to get through this time of waiting and anticipation.
*An earlier surgery date
*My family, as this is difficult on all of them. My parents, with Mom's health problems, this is causing them extra stress.
*No complications after the surgery. Because my blood will be so thin, that brings the danger of internal bleeding, and other complications.
*I really really want to come home quickly. With NO complications, I can come home the same day. With complications, it can mean a hospital stay of a few days. Of course, I'll stay if that's what's best to keep me stable, and safe. But the sooner I can get home, the happier I'll be :)
A long, long time ago, I had another blood clot. This one was in my thigh, in a main blood vessel. It only took me a second to remember having this blood clot. It was right after Lindsay was born. I had every symptom of a major blood clot, but my obstetrician misdiagnosed it! While talking to my Dr, he told me that blood clots in this exact location is the #1 cause of death in women after child birth! God spared my life! What an overwhelming thought! God used His healing power to spare my life. No medicine! No doctors! Pure God and His healing power!
We found from this ultra sound that my current blood clot is stable, and becoming "old" tissue. So I got the go ahead from my Internist and my Gynecologist to move forward with surgery. (a complete and total hysterectomy, done with robotics) Because this surgery is a major gynecology surgery, there is danger in me developing another blood clot in my thigh where the 24 year old clot was. There is also danger of me developing clots in other locations. I asked my Internist, once again, if there was any alternative we could try before we moved forward with this surgery. He assured me that everything has been done that could be done. And nothing is working, so surgery is the next step.
It has taken me a few days to 'chew' on this new knowledge. I obviously have known that I am at risk to develop new blood clots with any surgical procedure. But realizing the danger with this future surgery has taken me a few days to take in. One of my dear friends said to me "Kim, God saved your life without you even knowing it many years ago. He will do it again. I have NO DOUBT!" I'm drawing on her confidence and encouragement, and my confidence and faith in God. He has given me peace that this road may be rocky at times, but I will come out of it just fine. :)
Last week I saw my surgeon, Dr Depasquale, for my first visit. He was kind, and understanding, and knowledgeable in preventing blood clots. He called my Internist and they devised a plan that included aggressive treatment with Lovenox injections (yuck!) and Coumadin before and after surgery. Hopefully this will prevent new clots after surgery. No guarantees, but it's the best option for me. We did discuss placing a mesh filter in an artery temporarily until I am past the danger. Then it would be removed. This would give me peace of mind, and added protection, but would also mean 2 more procedures to go through. So, as of today, I have decided against it.
He could not do my surgery until Feb 22. I was disappointed, as I am ready to move forward with all this. I have been sick since late summer, first with the gynecology problems, then with the blood clot that was the result of a minor surgery, and then again with the gynecology problems. This adventure has become difficult emotionally as well as physically. Since we know God is building endurance through all this, I will be the toughest, strongest woman you know when all this is over :) haha We are praying for a cancellation and an earlier date, but God knows best.
Thank you for your prayers. I will keep you updated.
But for now, my prayer request are:
*Emotional peace, and strength to get through this time of waiting and anticipation.
*An earlier surgery date
*My family, as this is difficult on all of them. My parents, with Mom's health problems, this is causing them extra stress.
*No complications after the surgery. Because my blood will be so thin, that brings the danger of internal bleeding, and other complications.
*I really really want to come home quickly. With NO complications, I can come home the same day. With complications, it can mean a hospital stay of a few days. Of course, I'll stay if that's what's best to keep me stable, and safe. But the sooner I can get home, the happier I'll be :)
Sunday, December 16, 2012
"When I don't understand, I will choose You..You are good""
A dear friend of mine, Mary, asked me the other day how she could pray for me. She asked how I was doing spiritually and emotionally during this difficult time in my life. Here's a snapshot into my response to Mary:
"I used to think that life came in seasons, that you would go through hard times, then things were good for a while and so on. I don't think that way anymore. Any and every day is full of both good and bad, weakness and strength. Some days the good out weighs the bad, and some days its the opposite. But there's some of both throughout life..."
My message went on with some deeply personal details. Then I explained to her that at the end of the day, my heart still breaks and I still cry over the same heartache I've had for over a year now. Again, I am not going into the details because its so deeply personal. This is the truth I have found, though. Yes, I have had an unexpected health issue that has put me on the sidelines for a while. Over time, other serious health problems have come into play, and now I'm into a full blown health crisis. But when I lay my head on my pillow, my health isn't what matters. Those I love are what matters most. They are who have my heart, and who I hold dearest when I lay my head on my pillow to sleep. True love and loved ones are what counts in life. Its not money, or fame, or prestige, or possessions. It's God, and the people He places in our lives to love.
I would NEVER have chosen to have a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis. In simple English, a dangerous blood clot). I would never have chosen to be on leave from my job that I love so dearly. I would never have wanted to miss out on time with my wonderful friends, or miss a shopping outing with Lindsay. But God saw things differently. He needed me elsewhere for a while.
I have a wonderful wise friend named Patsy. Patsy had blood clots several years ago. She understands the treatment, and the pain I am in. She understands being sidelined from life as I knew it, because she had to go through the same thing. She understands the what its like to have your life change in a moment. So I have leaned on her a lot for the last few weeks. Patsy gave me some advice the first week I was sick. She explained to me that, in time, I would adapt to this new life I have to live. And life would go on and I would be OK. I have drawn off of that for weeks. Today I wrote to Patsy. Here's a little bit of what I said to her:
"Patsy, I draw on some advice you gave me when I first got this blood clot. Back then, I had no idea I'd be having the cysts and pain, too. You told me that we learn to adapt and be OK no matter what is happening to us. That is so true. Yes, it is frustrating to me some days, but God is so gracious.
I also have realized that He has used me in these new circumstances. One example: There is a lab tech at my Drs office. I don't even know her name. But we have talked a lot over the past few weeks. I learned that her husband died unexpected in Sept. Now she's a single mom, and its the holidays. I can see the grief all over her face. Time after time, in some supernatural way, I can see God brings her comfort when she and I talk. If I had never had a blood clot, I would never have gotten to know her, and her story.
There are other stories, and other moments or encounters that have happened where I have seen His hand, whether its Him using me, or Him using someone in my life. I NEVER wanted to leave my job, my co workers, or the kids at work. I love them all so much! If it were up to me, I would have continued on in my 'normal' life, working, spending time with my friends, hanging out with Lindsay, and going to church. I was perfectly content in my life. In some weird way, I have learned to see His beauty in these circumstances. I would NEVER have chosen this for myself, yet He is using it all for His glory. And that's what matters"
That pretty much sums up my journey so far. I am learning to embrace where I am, because the God of the universe appointed me to go through this. He had new lives He wanted to use me in. And he had a new journey for me and my own faith. He had new things for me to learn. One thing I am learning is to embrace the change He puts you in rather than fight against it, for He has a reason that is far beyond what we can see Him doing.
I would be remiss if I wrote today and didn't mention the tragedy our nation is enduring in Connecticut. I can not begin to imagine their pain. My lovely kids at work are just a little younger than those children. They are so innocent, so curious, and carefree at that age. In Connecticut, those kids got up this morning excited about Santa, and now their parents are suffering unimaginable grief.
Dear Heavenly Father, Bring the comfort and peace that only you can bring to those family. We do not understand it all, but we do know You are the God who can comfort. This crime is unspeakable, unimaginable. May we, as a nation, turn to you, the One True God, the only Hope we have. Blessed be Your Name.
"I used to think that life came in seasons, that you would go through hard times, then things were good for a while and so on. I don't think that way anymore. Any and every day is full of both good and bad, weakness and strength. Some days the good out weighs the bad, and some days its the opposite. But there's some of both throughout life..."
My message went on with some deeply personal details. Then I explained to her that at the end of the day, my heart still breaks and I still cry over the same heartache I've had for over a year now. Again, I am not going into the details because its so deeply personal. This is the truth I have found, though. Yes, I have had an unexpected health issue that has put me on the sidelines for a while. Over time, other serious health problems have come into play, and now I'm into a full blown health crisis. But when I lay my head on my pillow, my health isn't what matters. Those I love are what matters most. They are who have my heart, and who I hold dearest when I lay my head on my pillow to sleep. True love and loved ones are what counts in life. Its not money, or fame, or prestige, or possessions. It's God, and the people He places in our lives to love.
I would NEVER have chosen to have a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis. In simple English, a dangerous blood clot). I would never have chosen to be on leave from my job that I love so dearly. I would never have wanted to miss out on time with my wonderful friends, or miss a shopping outing with Lindsay. But God saw things differently. He needed me elsewhere for a while.
I have a wonderful wise friend named Patsy. Patsy had blood clots several years ago. She understands the treatment, and the pain I am in. She understands being sidelined from life as I knew it, because she had to go through the same thing. She understands the what its like to have your life change in a moment. So I have leaned on her a lot for the last few weeks. Patsy gave me some advice the first week I was sick. She explained to me that, in time, I would adapt to this new life I have to live. And life would go on and I would be OK. I have drawn off of that for weeks. Today I wrote to Patsy. Here's a little bit of what I said to her:
"Patsy, I draw on some advice you gave me when I first got this blood clot. Back then, I had no idea I'd be having the cysts and pain, too. You told me that we learn to adapt and be OK no matter what is happening to us. That is so true. Yes, it is frustrating to me some days, but God is so gracious.
I also have realized that He has used me in these new circumstances. One example: There is a lab tech at my Drs office. I don't even know her name. But we have talked a lot over the past few weeks. I learned that her husband died unexpected in Sept. Now she's a single mom, and its the holidays. I can see the grief all over her face. Time after time, in some supernatural way, I can see God brings her comfort when she and I talk. If I had never had a blood clot, I would never have gotten to know her, and her story.
There are other stories, and other moments or encounters that have happened where I have seen His hand, whether its Him using me, or Him using someone in my life. I NEVER wanted to leave my job, my co workers, or the kids at work. I love them all so much! If it were up to me, I would have continued on in my 'normal' life, working, spending time with my friends, hanging out with Lindsay, and going to church. I was perfectly content in my life. In some weird way, I have learned to see His beauty in these circumstances. I would NEVER have chosen this for myself, yet He is using it all for His glory. And that's what matters"
That pretty much sums up my journey so far. I am learning to embrace where I am, because the God of the universe appointed me to go through this. He had new lives He wanted to use me in. And he had a new journey for me and my own faith. He had new things for me to learn. One thing I am learning is to embrace the change He puts you in rather than fight against it, for He has a reason that is far beyond what we can see Him doing.
I would be remiss if I wrote today and didn't mention the tragedy our nation is enduring in Connecticut. I can not begin to imagine their pain. My lovely kids at work are just a little younger than those children. They are so innocent, so curious, and carefree at that age. In Connecticut, those kids got up this morning excited about Santa, and now their parents are suffering unimaginable grief.
Dear Heavenly Father, Bring the comfort and peace that only you can bring to those family. We do not understand it all, but we do know You are the God who can comfort. This crime is unspeakable, unimaginable. May we, as a nation, turn to you, the One True God, the only Hope we have. Blessed be Your Name.
Gods Word says this: 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV)
" if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
Jesus, have mercy on our land. We have failed You. Bring repentance through this horrible tragedy. Amen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14c_sCyQ2Lo
Jesus, have mercy on our land. We have failed You. Bring repentance through this horrible tragedy. Amen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14c_sCyQ2Lo
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Idenity Crisis
For years I have struggled with my identity. If we all were honest, I think every woman does this. I have have often envied women who love to entertain guest, or have dinner parties, or work full time jobs and manage their homes and families with grace.
As I have gotten older, I have come to accept who I am and where God has placed me in this world. But there are still days I struggle with wishing I were different, or more like someone else. If I am completely honest, today is one of those days. I don't like parties, large social events, or entertaining large groups of people. I don't enjoy playing games, whether it's board games, cards, or playing games figuratively with people and manipulating them. None of that is me. I am not a spotless house keeper. I have never felt led to work full time. I don't think much of having money or material possessions. I am perfectly happy sitting quietly and watching the sunset. I don't like to shop, but I do it often, only for building relationships, and not to buy things. :) I have a shy streak in me so I can be the quietest person in the room. And some days I just don't really feel like talking. I'd rather pull away and be alone.
But God, in His lovingkindness, has confirmed to me over and over today, and this past week, that He created me to be me! And He needs me to simply do that: be the best me I can be. I love one on one time with friends, or small groups of friends. I love building relationships. In fact, that is a vital part of my life that keeps me going. I love knowing where a person comes from and what makes them tick. I love encouraging and serving others. I love my spiritual gifts and try to embrace every opportunity I have to use them. I try to live my life deliberately, trying to never turn down the chances I have to make a difference in someone's life.
I must admit, He has surprised me this past week with circumstances, and opportunities that I never thought I would have. Looking back now, I see how trying to embrace who He created me to be over the past years has played into each and every conversation that I have had lately. At times I have felt overwhelmed both with love for the people in my life, and overwhelmed with guilt for not being 'enough' to others. I most definitely need improvement, and so I am still learning and growing. Today, I am incredibly grateful and humbled for each and every chance He has given me whether I got it right, or not.
Can I get an "amen" from anyone else? If anyone reading this has gone through this struggle, I'd love to hear from you! After all, I love getting to know people and hearing their stories!
Love you all!
As I have gotten older, I have come to accept who I am and where God has placed me in this world. But there are still days I struggle with wishing I were different, or more like someone else. If I am completely honest, today is one of those days. I don't like parties, large social events, or entertaining large groups of people. I don't enjoy playing games, whether it's board games, cards, or playing games figuratively with people and manipulating them. None of that is me. I am not a spotless house keeper. I have never felt led to work full time. I don't think much of having money or material possessions. I am perfectly happy sitting quietly and watching the sunset. I don't like to shop, but I do it often, only for building relationships, and not to buy things. :) I have a shy streak in me so I can be the quietest person in the room. And some days I just don't really feel like talking. I'd rather pull away and be alone.
But God, in His lovingkindness, has confirmed to me over and over today, and this past week, that He created me to be me! And He needs me to simply do that: be the best me I can be. I love one on one time with friends, or small groups of friends. I love building relationships. In fact, that is a vital part of my life that keeps me going. I love knowing where a person comes from and what makes them tick. I love encouraging and serving others. I love my spiritual gifts and try to embrace every opportunity I have to use them. I try to live my life deliberately, trying to never turn down the chances I have to make a difference in someone's life.
I must admit, He has surprised me this past week with circumstances, and opportunities that I never thought I would have. Looking back now, I see how trying to embrace who He created me to be over the past years has played into each and every conversation that I have had lately. At times I have felt overwhelmed both with love for the people in my life, and overwhelmed with guilt for not being 'enough' to others. I most definitely need improvement, and so I am still learning and growing. Today, I am incredibly grateful and humbled for each and every chance He has given me whether I got it right, or not.
Can I get an "amen" from anyone else? If anyone reading this has gone through this struggle, I'd love to hear from you! After all, I love getting to know people and hearing their stories!
Love you all!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Angel Unaware
I randomly remembered the other day something that happened when Daniel was born. When I entered the hospital to have Daniel, I was asked if I wanted to try a morphine drip to manage the pain. (I was about to have a C-Section). Without a second thought I told them YES! I knew what was in store for me and I wasn't looking forward to the pain afterwards.
Within a few hours after Daniel was born, I began to regret this quick decision. I began to itch all over. It was an itch like poison ivy. I couldn't scratch enough. I couldn't rest. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I would go crazy with this itch. Nurse after nurse came into my room. I would tell them over and over how badly I was itching and without fail their response was "You don't have a rash of any kind. I don't see anything, so I'll just order you some benedryl and you'll feel better." But hour after hour I was still itching. Nothing helped and no one listened to me.
After hours and hours of going out of my mind, a nurse I had never seen before came through my door. "Mrs Weaver? I hear you are having some problems with itching. This is a side effect from that morphine you're on. Let me help you feel better!" With that she pulled out some cocoa butter lotion and began to put lotion on me. "Show me where you're itching and I'll rub you really good with this lotion! It will help you so much. And I am turning off this morphine. As soon as it's out of your system you'll feel so much better."
For the first time since I'd had my surgery, I felt understood. I felt her genuine compassion. I remember her voice being so caring and kind. I remember feeling such relief, not so much from the lotion, but from her words of encouragement. She brought to me such a sense of warmth. She brought a real sense of God to me that day.
She left my room as I finally began to dose off, feeling so much better. I never saw her again. I don't remember her name. But I do remember her compassion. I have been thinking about her today and wondering who she was and why she believed me and cared enough to try and give me some relief. I have also been thinking about how I want to be that person. I want to be the person that brings compassion, caring and a sense of God to others. That nurse, whom ever she is, has long since forgotten me, and that day. But 21 years later, I remember it well...
Funny how the little things can impact someone else's life forever....
Someone tweeted this verse this morning and I have carried it with me all day.
1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
That verse sums things up perfectly...
I am once again humbled that you are reading my little blog. Much love!
Within a few hours after Daniel was born, I began to regret this quick decision. I began to itch all over. It was an itch like poison ivy. I couldn't scratch enough. I couldn't rest. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I would go crazy with this itch. Nurse after nurse came into my room. I would tell them over and over how badly I was itching and without fail their response was "You don't have a rash of any kind. I don't see anything, so I'll just order you some benedryl and you'll feel better." But hour after hour I was still itching. Nothing helped and no one listened to me.
After hours and hours of going out of my mind, a nurse I had never seen before came through my door. "Mrs Weaver? I hear you are having some problems with itching. This is a side effect from that morphine you're on. Let me help you feel better!" With that she pulled out some cocoa butter lotion and began to put lotion on me. "Show me where you're itching and I'll rub you really good with this lotion! It will help you so much. And I am turning off this morphine. As soon as it's out of your system you'll feel so much better."
For the first time since I'd had my surgery, I felt understood. I felt her genuine compassion. I remember her voice being so caring and kind. I remember feeling such relief, not so much from the lotion, but from her words of encouragement. She brought to me such a sense of warmth. She brought a real sense of God to me that day.
She left my room as I finally began to dose off, feeling so much better. I never saw her again. I don't remember her name. But I do remember her compassion. I have been thinking about her today and wondering who she was and why she believed me and cared enough to try and give me some relief. I have also been thinking about how I want to be that person. I want to be the person that brings compassion, caring and a sense of God to others. That nurse, whom ever she is, has long since forgotten me, and that day. But 21 years later, I remember it well...
Funny how the little things can impact someone else's life forever....
Someone tweeted this verse this morning and I have carried it with me all day.
1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.
That verse sums things up perfectly...
I am once again humbled that you are reading my little blog. Much love!
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