"When I don't understand, I will choose You..You are good""

A dear friend of mine, Mary, asked me the other day how she could pray for me. She asked how I was doing spiritually and emotionally during this difficult time in my life. Here's a snapshot into my response to Mary:

"I used to think that life came in seasons, that you would go through hard times, then things were good for a while and so on. I don't think that way anymore. Any and every day is full of both good and bad, weakness and strength. Some days the good out weighs the bad, and some days its the opposite. But there's some of both throughout life..."

My message went on with some deeply personal details. Then I explained to her that at the end of the day, my heart still breaks and I still cry over the same heartache I've had for over a year now. Again, I am not going into the details because its so deeply personal. This is the truth I have found, though. Yes, I have had an unexpected health issue that has put me on the sidelines for a while. Over time, other serious health problems have come into play, and now I'm into a full blown health crisis. But when I lay my head on my pillow, my health isn't what matters. Those I love are what matters most. They are who have my heart, and who I hold dearest when I lay my head on my pillow to sleep. True love and loved ones are what counts in life. Its not money, or fame, or prestige, or possessions. It's God, and the people He places in our lives to love.

I would NEVER have chosen to have a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis. In simple English, a dangerous blood clot). I would never have chosen to be on leave from my job that I love so dearly. I would never have wanted to miss out on time with my wonderful friends, or miss a shopping outing with Lindsay. But God saw things differently. He needed me elsewhere for a while.

I have a wonderful wise friend named Patsy. Patsy had blood clots several years ago. She understands the treatment, and the pain I am in. She understands being sidelined from life as I knew it, because she had to go through the same thing. She understands the what its like to have your life change in a moment. So I have leaned on her a lot for the last few weeks. Patsy gave me some advice the first week I was sick. She explained to me that, in time, I would adapt to this new life I have to live. And life would go on and I would be OK. I have drawn off of that for weeks. Today I wrote to Patsy. Here's a little bit of what I said to her:

"Patsy, I draw on some advice you gave me when I first got this blood clot. Back then, I had no idea I'd be having the cysts and pain, too. You told me that we learn to adapt and be OK no matter what is happening to us. That is so true. Yes, it is frustrating to me some days, but God is so gracious.
I also have realized that He has used me in these new circumstances. One example: There is a lab tech at my Drs office. I don't even know her name. But we have talked a lot over the past few weeks. I learned that her husband died unexpected in Sept. Now she's a single mom, and its the holidays. I can see the grief all over her face. Time after time, in some supernatural way, I can see God brings her comfort when she and I talk. If I had never had a blood clot, I would never have gotten to know her, and her story.
There are other stories, and other moments or encounters that have happened where I have seen His hand, whether its Him using me, or Him using someone in my life. I NEVER wanted to leave my job, my co workers, or the kids at work. I love them all so much! If it were up to me, I would have continued on in my 'normal' life, working, spending time with my friends, hanging out with Lindsay, and going to church. I was perfectly content in my life. In some weird way, I have learned to see His beauty in these circumstances. I would NEVER have chosen this for myself, yet He is using it all for His glory. And that's what matters"

That pretty much sums up my journey so far. I am learning to embrace where I am, because the God of the universe appointed me to go through this. He had new lives He wanted to use me in. And he had a new journey for me and my own faith. He had new things for me to learn. One thing I am learning is to embrace the change He puts you in rather than fight against it, for He has a reason that is far beyond what we can see Him doing.

I would be remiss if I wrote today and didn't mention the tragedy our nation is enduring in Connecticut. I can not begin to imagine their pain. My lovely kids at work are just a little younger than those children. They are so innocent, so curious, and carefree at that age. In Connecticut, those kids got up this morning excited about Santa, and now their parents are suffering unimaginable grief.
Dear Heavenly Father, Bring the comfort and peace that only you can bring to those family. We do not understand it all, but we do know You are the God who can comfort. This crime is unspeakable, unimaginable. May we, as a nation, turn to you, the One True God, the only Hope we have. Blessed be Your Name.

Gods Word says this: 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV)

^" if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 
Jesus, have mercy on our land. We have failed You. Bring repentance through this horrible tragedy. Amen

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14c_sCyQ2Lo

Idenity Crisis

For years I have struggled with my identity. If we all were honest, I think every woman does this. I have have often envied women who love to entertain guest, or have dinner parties, or work full time jobs and manage their homes and families with grace.

As I have gotten older, I have come to accept who I am and where God has placed me in this world. But there are still days I struggle with wishing I were different, or more like someone else. If I am completely honest, today is one of those days. I don't like parties, large social events, or entertaining large groups of people. I don't enjoy playing games, whether it's board games, cards, or playing games figuratively with people and manipulating them. None of that is me. I am not a spotless house keeper. I have never felt led to work full time. I don't think much of having money or material possessions. I am perfectly happy sitting quietly and watching the sunset. I don't like to shop, but I do it often, only for building relationships, and not to buy things. :) I have a shy streak in me so I can be the quietest person in the room. And some days I just don't really feel like talking. I'd rather pull away and be alone.

But God, in His lovingkindness, has confirmed to me over and over today, and this past week, that He created me to be me! And He needs me to simply do that: be the best me I can be. I love one on one time with friends, or small groups of friends. I love building relationships. In fact, that is a vital part of my life that keeps me going. I love knowing where a person comes from and what makes them tick. I love encouraging and serving others. I love my spiritual gifts and try to embrace every opportunity I have to use them. I try to live my life deliberately, trying to never turn down the chances I have to make a difference in someone's life.

I must admit, He has surprised me this past week with circumstances, and opportunities that I never thought I would have. Looking back now, I see how trying to embrace who He created me to be over the past years has played into each and every conversation that I have had lately. At times I have felt overwhelmed both with love for the people in my life, and overwhelmed with guilt for not being 'enough' to others.  I most definitely need improvement, and so I am still learning and growing. Today, I am incredibly grateful and humbled for each and every chance He has given me whether I got it right, or not.

Can I get an "amen" from anyone else? If anyone reading this has gone through this struggle, I'd love to hear from you! After all, I love getting to know people and hearing their stories!

Love you all!

Angel Unaware

I randomly remembered the other day something that happened when Daniel was born. When I entered the hospital to have Daniel, I was asked if I wanted to try a morphine drip to manage the pain. (I was about to have a C-Section). Without a second thought I told them YES! I knew what was in store for me and I wasn't looking forward to the pain afterwards.

Within a few hours after Daniel was born, I began to regret this quick decision. I began to itch all over. It was an itch like poison ivy. I couldn't scratch enough. I couldn't rest. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I would go crazy with this itch. Nurse after nurse came into my room. I would tell them over and over how badly I was itching and without fail their response was "You don't have a rash of any kind. I don't see anything, so I'll just order you some benedryl and you'll feel better." But hour after hour I was still itching. Nothing helped and no one listened to me.

After hours and hours of going out of my mind, a nurse I had never seen before came through my door. "Mrs Weaver? I hear you are having some problems with itching. This is a side effect from that morphine you're on. Let me help you feel better!" With that she pulled out some cocoa butter lotion and began to put lotion on me. "Show me where you're itching and I'll rub you really good with this lotion! It will help you so much. And I am turning off this morphine. As soon as it's out of your system you'll feel so much better."

For the first time since I'd had my surgery, I felt understood. I felt her genuine compassion. I remember her voice being so caring and kind. I remember feeling such relief, not so much from the lotion, but from her words of encouragement. She brought to me such a sense of warmth. She brought a real sense of God to me that day.

She left my room as I finally began to dose off, feeling so much better. I never saw her again. I don't remember her name. But I do remember her compassion. I have been thinking about her today and wondering who she was and why she believed me and cared enough to try and give me some relief. I have also been thinking about how I want to be that person. I want to be the person that brings compassion, caring and a sense of God to others. That nurse, whom ever she is, has long since forgotten me, and that day. But 21 years later, I remember it well...

Funny how the little things can impact someone else's life forever....

Someone tweeted this verse this morning and I have carried it with me all day.
1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.


That verse sums things up perfectly...
I am once again humbled that you are reading my little blog. Much love!

The Sun Still Burns the Shadows Out

I don't sleep well the night before I leave to go on a trip, and this night was no different. We were leaving Amelia Island to travel home the next day and I wasn't looking forward to the drive. We were to leave at 7:30am, but I was wide awake at 3am, tossing and turning, simply ready to get on with the trip. I finally decided to get up and watch for the sun to rise from our balcony. By this time it was around 4:30. I made some coffee and took a seat, excited to see the sun come up. I think I was expecting a magical moment. But instead, I sat and waited, feeling a little irritable and restless. Finally the sky began to lighten. It was ever so slight, but I was still anxious for the impending sun rise to began. I sat and waited, and waited. Still no sun. I began to get antsy. I paced about the deck, then went into the condo and paced about, packing a few things and trying to fill the time until my family would wake up. I walked out to my view every 5 or 10 minutes waiting and watching. Still no sun. Finally, my restlessness began to ease as the sky got lighter and lighter.

I returned to my perch once again to watch the show. But there was no show. Instead, I saw clouds covering the horizon. The sky was light, but the clouds covered the sun for quite some time.
I gave up on this magical sunrise that I wanted so badly and returned to packing. After a few minutes I returned for one last look, and there it was! The most beautiful sunrise! Finally, the sun was up in all it's beautiful glory, no clouds or haze, pure sunshine! I grabbed my phone and quickly took a picture.

In that moment I realized that the morning of sleeplessness, my restlessness, clouds, and this sunrise would come to mean more to me than just another morning.

This sunrise reminded me of the progression my life has taken in the last 3 1/2 years. You see, Lindsay and I witnessed a great tragedy on beautiful spring day a few years back, as we stood helplessly and watched a man take his own life just a few feet in front of us. This one tragic event seemed to start a spiral of events, most of which I can't speak of to protect the privacy of those I love. It has seemed relentless at times.

Ever since that tragic day, I have felt as if I am in a war. There have been days that were as dark as night. There have been days that I would vaguely see the light. And there have been days that the sun was there, yet it was covered with clouds.

Then there are days like the past few days. Days when the sun has been shining as bright as it can be. Today has been a day full of hope, joy, laughter, and sun light. Thank God! I am fully aware of the battle that is still raging all around, in my life and the lives of so many people that I love. But I am basking in the sun while it is shining. I am learning to pay attention to the joy God gives through the small things in life, such as a good laugh with a friend, or song that touches me deeply. Praise His name for 'the sun that burns the shadows out'!

I know so many of you that have been in the war along with me. We suffered heartache, loss, cried many tears, and grieved together. We've prayed hard for each other and been a shoulder for one another. I have seen the work of the enemy attempting to destroy so many lives all around me. There are days that the battle is exhausting. These are the days that we either live what we believe, or we crumbled. We've talked to one another about how we've never seen times like these that we are living in.

And then there are days of glorious relief. His presence is so evident. Today I have been able to rest my soul, and bask in the love of my Savior. Praise God for the sunshine, and that beautiful sunrise He woke me up to view on that beautiful summer day!

Love you all! And love the way we do life together! I am a blessed woman!

A horse named Sundae. A friend named Sherri. Love.

When I was 15, I owned a horse. She was the sweetest horse I have ever been around. Her name was Sundae. Sundae got her name because she looked like an ice cream Sundae. She was a pretty little paint, a racking horse. Nothing special to anyone but me. But for me, she represented a freedom that I have rarely known. I could ride her with no saddle (which is how I usually rode) and at times I would jump on her with no bridle either. I would guide her with my words and a gentle tug on her mane. It was as if she read my mind. What a special animal.

Few people know about my passion for horses. I love everything about them. I love their soft noses, their smell, seeing them run, or just peacefully graze in a pasture. I love their unique markings, and colorings. For me, a horse is one of Gods most beautiful creations. There have been many times that I have seen a horse and its brought tears to my eyes. I long to own one again. I long to ride, to run, to feel the wind on my face and the freedom that riding brings.

One Sunday when I was 15, I invited a friend over to ride Sundae with me. She was so excited. She shared my love for horses and couldn't wait to climb on Sundae and go for a ride. We rode double, and bare back. I remember that day so well. What fun we had! We laughed, and giggled. It was as if Sundae joined in on our party. She seemed to be enjoying every second of the day, too.

Little did I know, that day was a life changing day for me, and for my friend, Sherri. After that Sunday afternoon we were bonded forever. It was as if God used our ride, Sundae, and that afternoon to knit our hearts together forever.

Since then our friendship has gone through ups and downs. We still laugh about all the mischief we got into. We've had our hard times. There were seasons in our lives where we didn't talk as much, and then many many seasons when we were inseparable. We've raised our kids together, dog sat each others dogs, cried together when our precious pets have passed away, colored each others hair (oh my!), met the Osmonds together, (haha!! true story!), and seen Alabama more times than I can remember. We have lost family members so dear that I can hardly speak of the unbearable grief, walked through marriage and divorce together, suffered heartache together, cried rivers, and shared more laughter than any two girlfriends I know of.

Tomorrow, Sherri has a birthday. I am sitting here and replaying so much of our lives in my head. She is such an amazing woman. She loves God and her family with unwavering passion and faithfulness. She is a faithful friend to so many. I consider her one of the wisest women I know. She's usually the first one I run to when I need advice, or just an ear to listen. How blessed beyond measure I am to have a friend like Sherri Turner. Our friendship is a treasure. And I thank God for her faithfulness and love.
Who knew that day that we jumped on my precious Sundae and rode the day away, that the most beautiful friendship was beginning. Almost 40 years later, we're stronger than ever.
We've always had a saying we say to each other. It's the best way we have to describe our love.
So, here's to you, Sherri Turner....For time and eternity...Happy Birthday, my dearest friend...
I love you so much!

"Testing the Strong Ones"

What a week! I have taken each moment step by step, knowing I was going through a lot, but trying to just take it as it came. My son moved out this week. I got some devastating news about something a loved one is doing. My dear friend went through the one year anniversary of the death of her son. I was flat out rejected by someone I hold close in my heart. I found out a dear friend has breast cancer. Found out of more lies and betrayal. I've been coming to terms with some uncertainties. Carrying it all pretty much alone. And then today, to ice the cake, on my way out the door this morning, our toilet ran over...no time to clean it because I was already running late....and then, I lifted my hands to praise God in church and realized my deodorant wasn't working. Holy cow!!! haha How embarrassing! Who on earth does that happen to?? Oh, that's right! ME!! lol haha

Then the dam almost broke. You know...the final straw... I almost went into the ugly cry. All of us women know exactly what that looks like, and its not something you want to do in public. (Even though I had already lost it twice in public this week and cried the ugly cry, I didn't want to do it again. Certainly not in church, where everyone acts like they have it all together...) But subtly my tears began to flow. I remember one day last week crying before God and saying "This is all I can take! I am at my limit." But it kept coming. And He kept giving me the strength as I needed it.

 I cried all the way home this morning, called my daughter, and cried to her. Then I began to realize I did have plenty to be grateful for. I began to think over the little things that also happened that brought me great joy. Gordon (our dog) always brings a smile to my face. I briefly spoke to an old friend that I hadn't talked to in months. I had lunch with a friend, and even though her grief over losing her son was so deep, we managed to laugh a little. I got to see my son's new apartment. And I ate way more ice cream than I should have... Most importantly, God sent dear friends to encourage me along the way. Time after time my girlfriends text, or messaged me or called and said the very words I needed to hear. I am convinced that they were messengers from God. He was using each of  them to hold my arms up just as Aaron held Moses arms up when he became weary.

My Bible study this week has been about believing God for miracles. The teaching was on the parting of the red sea. And I am believing God for a few 'red sea' miracles in my own life...
Not sure why I am writing this except to say, if you're going through more that you think you can bear,  God will carry you through. He is always sending us hope, and bits of joy if we will keep our eyes open for it. And yes, I believe He is in the miracle business and He has miracles in store for me, and for you. In the mean time, I want to be your Aaron and help hold your arms up. I want to walk by your side until the stormy season passes.

 Much Love to my readers and friends! I am humbled that you take a few minutes to spend with me. I pray somehow God uses my blog for His glory...That's my hearts desire...
Oh, and my blog Title "Testing the strong ones"...Came from Copeland! Missing them lately!

Nothing Like It!

My son is coming home today. He has been gone for two and a half weeks. I am beside myself with excitement. I just got home from a shopping spree at Walmart buying junk food for him. My order included potato stix, cookies, hot pockets, and brownies. All these items are things he loves. As I hurriedly pushed my cart through the store trying to beat the crowd, I found myself smiling. I wanted to look at someone and say "My sons coming home!!! Don't you understand??? MY SON"S COMING HOME!!! He's the best!!!"

As I loaded my order of groceries (AKA junk food) into my car, I was thinking how us moms love our kids. Really, there's nothing like it. Nothing compares to a Mommas love. My kids love me. They adore me. I have no question where I stand in their hearts, and for that, I am truly blessed. But, their love for me is still very different than my love for them. I was saying that very thing to Lindsay the other day. "I know how much you love me, but you will never fully understand my love for you until you are a mom."

The day you become a mom, your world changes. It gets more rich, more colorful. Selfishness falls away, for there is someone else that matters far more than yourself. As we raise our kids, we just love them! We are proud of them. We stand behind them. We sacrifice for them. When they get off track, we still love them and we are still proud of them. When their heart is broken, we feel their pain. When they have success, its the best day of our life! And when its just an ordinary day...nothing special...we still get excited just to see their faces, or even get a text from them. The littlest things make our day, like a hug or a note. There's just nothing like being a mom...

Can we possibly get our mind around the fact that our Father loves us even more than we love our kids? Better still, He loves our kids even more than we do! He is planning their lives, protecting, directing, loving and guiding them. For us moms, its hard to watch sometimes. Sometimes we have to watch them learn trust to Him in the middle of heart break. Sometimes our Father allows them the freedom to go in the wrong direction. (These trials not only grow our kids, but they also grow us.) Yet He is still guiding them as they "find themselves" or question Him. How beautiful is that? How lovely is our Fathers love. How very lovely....

A shout out to my kids! Thank you for being you! You are both the best!!! And a shout to God for giving you to me! His love for you is amazing! I am so grateful!

Daniel and Lindsay

 

 

 

                                 This was the day he got home from Europe! The day of my shopping trip!

I love this picture, even though its a year old. One of my favorites! We were on a hike in the Rocky Mountain National Park. Great Day! Love these two faces! :)