Broken and Spilled Out

On Wednesday our 60 day waiting period will be over. A court date will be set. Then, once the judge grants our divorce, a book in my life will come to a close.

Today my life is flooded with memories. Good memories and bad memories. None the less, like any good book, they all make up my story. I remember so clearly our wedding day, the birth of our children, each and every Christmas, family get together's, trips to Maryville to visit family, birthday celebrations, and laughing until we cried.

There were little trips to the Smoky Mountains that I can recall so vividly. We had our inside jokes as we drove the roads of Cades Cove, looking for bear or deer, or anything interesting we could find. To this day, my kids (ages 24 and 21) repeat those jokes when we go through "The Cove" as we call it.

There were those magnificent trips to Colorado. They were dream trips. Cottonwood Pass, the Rocky Mountain National Park, Crested Butte, Winter Park, The American Classic Motel (the nastiest place I've ever stayed! I wanted to sleep in the car that night but Paul said, "No God gave us this room and we will sleep in it!" Then Daniel said "My bed smells like cereal." hahaha) mouse, elk,  ghost towns, snow in July, hiking, staying in a cabin that was a 'mansion' with 4 master suites, 6 bathrooms, and the biggest kitchen and living room I have ever seen, all for $150 a night! The Aspen trees were so gorgeous! The snow covered mountains were overwhelmingly beautiful. There was the condo we stayed in at Crested Butte, where there were baby birds that fell out of their nest and onto our patio. Lindsay and I worried about those birds until the owner of the condo sent us an email when we got home and told us those babies flew away! We were all so happy! And the food...oh my! The delicious food! I could go on and on about Colorado, but that's enough for now.

There were many trips to the beach, all including delicious food, a view of the ocean, dolphins, long evening walks, laughter, relaxation, sunburns, and, of course, a game or two of putt putt.

It's so hard to believe those vacations and weekend trips are over....

I remember the day we moved into this house. It was our 10th anniversary (August 2nd, 1996). We were so overwhelmed that 'little ole us' could ever buy a house like this. Paul had finally graduated nursing school, and we got to "move up". We had lived on such little money for the first 10 years that having a split foyer in a nice neighborhood was as good as it gets as far as we were concerned. Paul had worked so hard, two and three, jobs plus school and finally we could make ends meets. He was such a good provider.

Then there were the Honda's. Honda after Honda! Since I'm a car person, I love my Honda's!

I could go on and on about the good times. Just as every marriage, we had so much fun. We had several dogs that we loved dearly. And some that we didn't love so much, like our Schnauzer, Toby, "bless his heart", as we always say when we think of him. Our hamsters, Kevin and Judy. They kept us amused.

There were several friends that passed through our lives. We had such great times with Jim and Rhea. I still remember Jim's laughter, and Rhea's cooking like it was yesterday. We all took a trip to Atlanta to the Atlanta Fest once. We rented a camper. Jim got us press passes so we meet the "stars". Our lives were surrounded by music. We went to every Christian concert we could! Mylon Lefevre, Stephen Curtis Chapman, Geoff Moore and the Distance, and on and on and on. There were a couple of Christmases that I gave up getting a gift so Paul could get a new guitar. I would be as excited as he was when he would get his new "wife" as he referred to his guitars. haha

Then there was NASCAR. We went to Bristol, and Atlanta to the races several times. That was some of the most fun we ever had! Daniel, Paul and I would hike for what seemed like miles into the tracks. We had a blast! We watched every race, practice, and qualifying that we could. I loved Bobby Labonte, Tony Stewart, and Jeff Gordon. Paul loved Dale Jarrett, then Carl Edwards. Daniel loved Jeff Gordon. We had such a great time keeping up with 'our drivers'!

But, sadly, somewhere along the way, things began to unravel. Work, school, and the business of life got in the way. We lost touch with one another. We lost the love we once had. We lost trust. We lost accountability. And our marriage took the wrong turn. We stopped dating. We stopped going on weekend trips. We stopped talking. I tried to fight for our marriage. I wanted counseling so we could learn to love again. But, after a while, I gave up, and neither of us cared anymore. I wanted to stay together and "endure" who we had become. (sad isn't it?). And Paul wanted to move on and find a new life, which he did. So, for the last 5 months, I have been saying goodbye, chapter by chapter closing this book. I've watched my friends and family grieve, because for them, it's been a death. I can't even begin to know the toll it's taking on my kids. That will be a story for them to tell.

Twenty seven years.  One half of our lives were spent together. And now we don't even speak. I haven't even seen him in 5 months. Today, I am glad about that. Things had become so bad between us over the last few years that neither of us want to see one another. I am ashamed to admit all of this, but this is our story.

Why am I telling you all this? Why does God always call me to be so open??? I wish I knew, because I don't enjoy opening up my life up for all the world to see.

The truth is, though, I don't want others to follow in our path. Men, fight for your women! They are so beautiful, and so worth fighting for. They are the mate God has chosen for you! Fight for your kids. Never ever leave your kids for another family! The pain you leave behind is unbearable at times.

Women, fight for your husbands! Even when it seems unbearable, painful, and impossible, keep fighting. Respect him. Appreciate him. Seek counseling when necessary. Learn how to be the best wife you can be!

Hold one another accountable. Don't keep secrets, unless they are the fun kind of secrets. Allow yourselves to be open books with one another. And never, ever allow another man or woman to enter what God ordained as sacred. Never let work come between you. Money and work mean nothing compared to the treasure of your family. Always make time for each other. For there is no one more important in your life than your spouse. There is no covenant more important than those vows you said to one another on your wedding day. Never break those vows. Follow God together, and never allow a 3rd party to enter what God ordained for you and your wife only. That includes porn, and lust. Take marriage classes, go to marriage conferences, and have friends that hold you accountable. Oh, and laugh! Laugh a lot! Fight with all your might before you ever say goodbye. That's what God intends for us to do. If, after you've done all you can, and you must say goodbye, do it with dignity and respect.

All marriages will not, and should not survive. Adultery, and being married to an unbeliever are two reasons that God understands divorce. If you have made these mistakes, if you have failed in your marriage, gotten a divorce, or if you have gotten away from God, there is forgiveness. He welcomes you back with open arms. Forgive yourself! For once you repent, and make things right, He forgets all about your sin! So let your self condemnation go, and allow God to use your sin for His glory. He makes beauty from ashes!I NEVER want to offend those who have gotten a divorce, or their families. I totally understand how divorce happens, and I totally understand Gods forgiveness.

Today, I am getting ready to close this book. The book of "Paul and Kim Weaver". To be perfectly honest, through my tears and pain, I am excited to see what God has for me in the future. No matter how many things I could have done differently, this book would have ended the same way. It takes two to be married. Not one. And certainly not 3. Only 2, and, of course, most of all, God to bind your hearts together for a life time.

I watch my friends and family celebrate their anniversaries, walk through heart aches together, and do life together totally in love with each other. To be honest, at times it hurts. Many of these friends were our friends when we were young. They have made it!!! They will grow old together!!! They are happy and in love!!! Praise God!!! Stan and Jeanni, Tracie and Pat, Charles and Tammie, Tim and Debbie, and on and on.... Most of all, my family, Greg and Cindy, Chris and Ashley, and my Mom and Dad (Jack and Mary). You are all such beautiful examples of what God intends for marriage to be. For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad times, til death do us part. Thank you all so much for your example! There are so many more that I can not even begin to mention you all! You are all running the race just as Christ intended. And your lives are sweeter as the days go by! What a beautiful heritage you're giving your families.

Yes, I wore my heart on my sleeve once again, but it needed to be said. God called me to say it. It needed to be said for those whose marriages are in trouble, for those who are engaged, for newlyweds, and young families. And it needed to be said for those who are walking in my shoes today and are going though divorce, or for those who are already divorced. I know your pain. And I know we will make it. Together, and with God, we can do all things! He is our love! He is our husbands! And He adores us! He sings over us at night, and fights for us and holds us close during the daylight. He is Marvelous! Together we will start a new book, if that's where He leads!

Much love everyone!
Feel free to message me on FB if you need to talk!