Once again I am writing and deciding as I write to just be as honest as I can. Lately I have been struggling with worry. I am ordinarily not a worrier. Generally I am the first one to take a blind leap of faith when a situation arises, and God calls me to. But last night I had something on my mind that I have been concerned about for a while now. My concern turned into full blown worry as I lay in bed thinking things over. I lost hours of sleep in the process. I prayed, and thought of all the 'right' Scriptures. I gave it to God.... and took it back over and over again.
Can anyone else relate to my struggle? Maybe yours isn't worry. Maybe it's anxiety, or depression, or loneliness, or unbelief, or lying, or fear, or pride...and the list goes on and on.
As I am writing I am feeling exposed and vulnerable. Actually, I am feeling a little ungodly. Why is it so hard for us to confess our struggles to each other? Why am I writing all of this? I am writing and confessing my struggle because I am so tired of hiding behind a Christian mask. The longer I walk with God, the more I realize that no one has it all together. If we really did have it all together, then pride would take over, and we'd be a mess again. :)
Here is another confession. Some of my loneliest moments have been sitting in a church pew, with fellow believers to my right and left. I can remember times that I have sat in a church service fighting back tears because of my struggles, and looking around me and thinking, "everyone looks like they've got life all together, and I am dying inside. Surely if I am dying inside, then others around me are hurting, too." And that truth brings me to my desire. I want to be real. I desperately want to live my life in such a way that I others can relate to me. I want to always be able to relate to others. I pray that all that I live through, and all that I struggle with can be used to encourage others and give hope.
At the end of the day, life is all about Him. I think a lot about the fact that often times experiences in my life that effect me, really aren't about me. They are for His glory, and often times I am just a small piece in a much bigger puzzle. I had an experience like that a few days ago. Lindsay and I were out for ice cream and we literally stumbled into a very awkward and painful scene. When we got home, I was asking God why it was necessary for Him to place us right there at that moment. "Why did we have to see that?", I asked Him. I couldn't see, for the life of me, what good it did either of us or how His purpose was being served. In my eyes it only reopened freshly healed wounds. He gently reminded me that it wasn't about me or Lindsay, but He allowed it for a greater purpose that I wasn't aware of. He whispered to my heart that He was using it for someone else. Praise His name! It's not about me! That truth sets me free and makes me want to dance! :)
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
I have been living and breathing this song lately by Hillsong United. If you have time, give it a listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMxKrwqp_4Y
Much love to you all!
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