Never Failing Love

Dear Church

2012-01-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Church,
As of late, my heart has become very troubled for you (us). As I write this, please don't think I am excluding myself. I am just taking a realistic look at what we've become.

Over time, we have bought into many lies and deceptions that the world has to offer. We have ceased to live our lives in a manner that reflects Christ. And yet we go to church Sunday after Sunday, put on our religious faces, and try to fool everyone around us. We lift our hands, nod our heads, and give each other hugs. Then we go home to our lives of secret sin, and believe that if we hide it, no one knows. And if no one knows, it doesn't exist.

We teach honesty, and yet we lie and deceive.

We preach love and yet turn our backs on those who look differently than we do or live differently than we do. We rush to the food bank or community kitchen to volunteer at Christmas. (and there is nothing wrong with this!) But we pass right by the needy ones, or those of a different race, or a different 'class' when we are out and about going through our daily routine.

We preach against sexual sin and adultery and yet we watch porn, secretly chat with and text people other than our spouses, send Facebook messages to those we shouldn't be corresponding with, and continuously use technology to cheat. After all, if no one knows, then how can it hurt anyone?

We wound each other deeply with our words or actions and yet we never say we're sorry. We never make things right. We never acknowledge the pain we've caused.

We huddle together so closely, only hanging out with fellow Christians, while those who used to be "one of us" walk away. We seem to never notice they are gone. We are far too busy to call or text them and tell them we love and miss them.

We teach and sing about the joy found in Christ, and yet we turn our backs on those that are depressed using insensitive sayings like "just believe God" or "just pray about it" or "I'll be praying for you". Then we avoid them like the plague. After all, they are far too draining to waste our time and emotions on, right?

We preach being kind, and yet we disrespect, betray, and back stab.

We preach integrity, and yet we steal and cheat. It's just the government. They owe us more anyway...or it's just my employer. They don't pay me enough anyway. Etc...

What brought all this on? The truth is, I have so many people in my life that I love who have walked away from the church. I talk with them every chance I get. They are so wounded that they confuse the pain caused by believers with the existence of God, They don't see Christ in those who confess Him loudly. Rather they see hypocrites, liars, deceivers, and adulterers. "If Christians reflect Christ, then He's not a God I want any part of" they will say.

Time and time again they tell me it's because of the hypocrisy in the church that they have walked away from their faith. I hear over and over how they are burnt out on a belief that teaches love yet rejects those that are struggling with sin or pain. The drug addict, or homosexual, or adulterer, or liar would not dare come to us for help or for love. We are far too judgmental and hyper spiritual. And yet, we are the same. We are struggling with these same sins in secret. Its easier to point a finger than it is to love. Its easier to turn our backs than face the sinner.

Take someone who has walked away from God to coffee or invite them to dinner. And let them talk. Just listen! Don't quote Scriptures or preach. They already know how we believe. You'll be amazed at what God can do through us if we learn to open our hearts!

This is not what I had in mind writing when I sat down. As I write, I am examining myself, and it stings really bad. As Jon Foreman says, "A mirror is much harder to hold".
Much Love!

Here's that tune from Jon Foreman! Give it a listen! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlv9th0Fo10

Autumn reminds me...

2011-11-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch with a dear friend the other day. Our conversation wondered from our families, churches, mutual friends, and, of course the food we were eating...and then, as usual, our talk turned to God and what He's doing in our lives. We continued to talk while walking to our cars. As we stood and said goodbye until our next lunch, we hugged, and then my beautiful friend said, "I just long to be awed by God! He does awe me, but I want more!" I knew exactly what she meant! How I long to see more, to know more of Him, and to walk in awe every single day. He awes me constantly, but all to often I look past what He's doing, as I am caught up in getting by day to day.

I took this thought home with me. As the next couple of days rolled by, I thought often about the day I accepted Christ as my Savior. Twenty Six years ago! What a ride! I remember the moment so well. It was a lovely autumn day. I had come to a point in my life where the sin I was living in was empty. I had many friends, but I was lonely. I had done it all and yet, I wanted so much more out of life. I longed for freedom. I longed for peace. I fell to my knees that night while alone in my apartment and cried out to God, "I will follow You anywhere. I will give up anything, if You will give me peace!" I got up off my knees and in that very moment, I was different. I felt different. I thought differently. I no longer desired the sins that had kept me pinned down. I only wanted God. He was my one and only love. This new life that He had brought me into was exciting and He was all I desired!

As I think back over my conversation with my friend in that parking lot, I realize that God is awing me once again! The story of what He brought me out of, and where He has led me never gets old to me. The drastic change in my life was the most awesome moment I have ever experienced. I stand in awe today that the Creator of the Universe loved a girl like me, when very few people cared. He turned my life around and set my feet on a brand new path! Yes, He is Awesome! Twenty Six years and counting!

To: My dear friend, that I love so much...Come Home...He's waiting for you, just like He was waiting for me. If He can turn me around, then He is longing to do the same for you. I am praying and waiting on the day you give in... I can't wait to see Christ on your face!

My thoughts on love and other ramblings..

2011-11-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

It seems that in this day and age, love is thrown away so easily. When it gets hard, we just push it away. After all, its much easier to lose love than to go through the pain of sticking it out and healing together. In my opinion, when God gives you the gift of true love, it is to be valued like a precious jewel. Protected, nurtured, and treasured.
I once heard a man on Moody say, "When your relationship is having a problem, don't run away from it and hide. Run TOWARD it. Embrace it. And immediately begin the repair." He was speaking to men. He was teaching men how to keep peace in their marriage and with their children. I have thought about this statement over the years. It is so true! But sadly, I generally see people run away from problems, stick their heads in the sand and pretend like nothings wrong. This method only brings more problems. And leaves unresolved hurts and pains which grow over the years until they are beyond repair.
For those who are blessed to find an awesome person to love them, treasure your love. Have fun together. Laugh together. Talk about everything. Allow your partner to feel safe, knowing that you won't condemn them, even if you don't agree. If they are struggling, then give them room to figure life out. Forgive and move on when hurt arises. Pray for them. Be proud of them. Support them. And never, ever toss your love aside. What a beautiful gift from your Father. It's a gift that not all people receive. So value it with all that's in you.
Love should never be disposable. "If this one doesn't work, I'll just move on to the next." Granted, some times it doesn't work. I am by no means saying that every relationship works out. Life is not a fairy tale. Hearts do get broken. But when you find that "thing" with someone...that special connection where you can almost read each others mind. You know, when you can just glance at each other and know what the other one is thinking. When your heart skips a beat when they walk into the room, even after 30 years of marriage, then you are truly blessed beyond measure. Never ever take it for granted. And never ever forget to thank God for it. Life is hard. We all need someone to walk through it with us. What a gift!
I watched a couple have this exact gift recently. They tossed it away. They had amazing chemistry and such a strong love. They had put a lot of effort into each other. Then things got hard. I guess 'the grass looked greener on the other side'...They didn't fight for their love. They just moved on. I long to see them work through it. Their love was so beautiful.
Not sure where this blog came from... God put it on my heart for some reason. Yes, I am feeling uncomfortable being so vulnerable with my thoughts... But, what's new, really? haha
Much Love everyone... And, to my friends that threw their love away... it was a beautiful love. Reconsider... it will be worth it.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love cast out fear" 1 John 4:18a

The Duck Test

2011-10-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

I only write blogs when God inspires me. Sometimes they are a few weeks apart. And sometimes they are a few days apart. I hope this one didn't come too soon, but I have walked through a life experience that I never dreamed of over the last few weeks. And I have come out of it with some words of wisdom that keep playing over and over in my mind...

"If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck."

Sometimes the duck is screaming, "I am a swan!" All the more reason to know for certain that its a duck.
Thinking back over a recent heart break, I have found myself praying earlier today, and saying to God, "Why can't I be one of those people who gets mad and and writes them off? It would be so much easier!" As soon as I said it, I found myself saying, "I didn't mean that, Lord. I am happy that I am not that way. Thank You for allowing me to continue to love.." You see, I have quickly come to realize that this experience wasn't about me, or my family. It happened solely for other people. My heart is so full of compassion and sorrow. I desperately want my friend to love God and know the peace that only He can give. I made excuses for the "duck" in my life. I wanted to believe that what I had found wasn't true. I wanted to believe that my friend would never do that to me or my family. I am resigned to the truth now. But oh, how I long for God to be merciful, and make beauty from the ashes that are all around. How I long to see my friend transformed to a beautiful, graceful "swan" even after all the pain and betrayal.
Father God, You and You alone can make this happen. May I never stop loving, no matter what is said. And I am asking You for a day very soon, that I can see You on the face of my friend. Oh, how You love..."I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves..."

Lessons I learned over Fall Break

2011-10-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a whirlwind of a week here at home. Fall break seemed exciting enough, but it brought some unexpected changes and unexpected loss.
I have learned (and relearned) a lot this week. Please indulge me...
1. Sometimes God clearly leads you in a direction that doesn't make sense. Follow Him, whether you understand, or not. He has a purpose.
2. Love all that He brings in your life. Love them without reserve. Love them for who they are.
3. Laugh... a lot...find humor in the situation, if at all possible.
4. Forgive.
5. Chocolate Ice Cream stains perfectly good T shirts.
6. When God calls you to pray for someone, do it. Pray fervently and don't let up until God releases you.
7. Tell old friends that you still love them. Reminisce about the good ole days. Remember all the good times together. You just never know what the next day will hold.
8. Hamsters are fun pets. But, I never want another one!
9. Some situations God has me in are not about me. They are about God and others. He has a purpose. And He is using me to get there. Try to view those situations through His eyes.
10. I don't have to get it. He does. That's all that matters.
11. Respond in love. That's what Jesus would do. It feels much better than responding in anger.
12. Guys from Utah enjoy the accent of southern girls. :) Who knew?
13. Long time best friends are trusted, tried and proved. And they give great advice! :)
14. Relient K's music great therapy!
15. I can feel love, even from Africa, from Mary Smith :)

I lost 2 people that I love a lot this week. But I can tell you without hesitation, God is faithful! His grace and mercy never ceases to amaze me. I miss you both already.
And to our hamster, Judy, you were fun! But, no more hamsters at our house ever again! :)

Much love! And thanks for reading! :)

The Story of a Coffee Mug

2011-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have a favorite coffee mug. I use it every morning (if it's clean). It's become a source of comfort, in some odd way. It's a symbol of things that never change. You see, Lindsay bought me this mug in Dallas Texas when she was 16 years old. It holds so many memories of cups of coffee shared throughout life. It's the perfect size, and weight. It's getting a little faded now but I think it just has more character. Everyone in the house knows it's MY mug. No one else dares to use it! haha I remember once one of Lindsay's boyfriends was at our house. He made himself some coffee, and innocently picked "my mug" out of the cabinet. He walked into the living room, so happy to be enjoying a cup of coffee and hanging out with our family. A hush fell over the room! No one said anything out loud, but there were glances shared between everyone that could only mean one thing... "Oh no! He's drinking out of Mom's mug!" haha I must admit, for a split second I did resent sharing it. But, I quickly got over it. And he managed to stay around in our family for several more months (even though he'd committed the 'unpardonable sin') haha
This morning I got up and made some coffee. I rummaged through the cabinet and found my mug, and sat down with the perfect cup of Starbucks coffee, to spend a little time with God. I quickly realized that I was in need of comfort. The day that loomed in front of me held a major car repair, sickness, physical pain, the reality of promises unfulfilled, and a difficult situation that I have been poorly dealing with for a very long time. In that moment, I was so aware of an underlying peace in my soul. I became aware of God whispering to me, "It's going to be OK". I sipped my coffee and took in the perfect love and peace I was feeling in all the chaos and confusion of the day before me. Some way, some how, I feel such a sense of trust in my Father's Hand as He guides me into unknown territory.
And I feel such a sense of comfort in knowing that some things never change.... His love never fails. He never leaves me. He knows what's best for me. He never ever gives up on me, even when I fail over and over again.
What a perfect place to be...basking in His perfect Love, and enjoying a cup of coffee in my favorite mug...
Psalm 36:5-7
Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Sonic Ice

2011-10-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday was a rather emotional day around our house. We all woke up in a bad mood, and the day went down hill from there. In my lame attempt to settle our household down, and make things a little better, Lindsay and I took off for a short drive to one of our favorite spots. About half way through the drive, my phone rang. It was Daniel. "Mom! Will you be home before I leave the house? I was hoping to see you!" I was about 25 minutes away from my house at the time. "Daniel? You're at our house? I didn't know you were coming or I would have stayed at home! I'll be there as soon as I can, but it'll take me at least 20 minutes to get there..." He told me he would 'try' to wait around on me, but he might not see me. I was a little disappointed, but all I could do at that point was head toward home.

As I topped the hill in our subdivision, I saw Daniel's beat up Honda in our driveway. Whew, I made it in time. I entered our house greeted by Daniel, and a few of his friends. There were hugs, and introductions and laughter all around! Then Daniel proceeded to say "I brought you something, mom....look in the kitchen..." There, to my surprise, was a Baby Ruth Candy Bar, and a cup of Sonic ice! Two of my favorite things! At that moment, silly as it might sound, I was overwhelmed with emotion.

To this day, I am not sure what made my son think to bring me such a thoughtful gift. But as I look back, I realize why his gift was so significant. I felt so loved in that moment because he knew me so well. Not only did he know exactly what I love, but he had taken the time out of his day to spend a moment with me and make that moment very special.

As I stop and think about it, I have a Heavenly Father who knows me even more thoroughly than my family. Not only that, but He is constantly giving me those special gifts and special moments through out my day to show me that He's thinking about me. He is constantly showing me that He knows exactly who I am and what I love.

It is my desire to notice every gift He gives me. On many days, those gifts are the best part of my day. And, sadly, on many days, I pass right by those gifts from my Father and don't even notice or say thank you. I want to see all He is doing around me, and to embrace the love He's giving me every single day. No matter how great of a day it is, or how difficult my day may be, He is always loving me, and showing me His presence in ways that are tailor made just for me! I am so grateful for that fact! I deeply desire to walk so close to Him that I never miss a moment of His unfailing love in my life.

Today has held much heart break for me, and for several of my friends. Once again, life has been touched by death, illness, and sadness. But as I look back, God still gave me several gifts throughout the day. I was treated so kindly by a few strangers. Gordon, my dog, was extra happy to see me when I came home. A very close friend shared a wonderful secret with me. Lindsay got a job! (praise God!) I shared some laughter with my wonderful Mom. Yes, God was there at every turn showing me that I was on His mind, and that He knows me so well. How wonderful is that?

Prayers going out for my precious friend, Stephanie Parks and family in the sudden loss of her Dad. And to Jan Durham and family, as they are going through so much with health issues. Angie Marshall, you are in my thoughts, too. And a few others whose name I won't mention. I love you all!
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jesus in our pocket...

2011-09-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

I am writing this morning with so much on my mind. My heart has become so burdened for the 'church'. I almost feel like God is giving me a perspective as an outsider looking in. However, I am not an outsider, but immersed in the grand adventure of following God, and walking with Him, and His people everyday.

I have had some monumental life lessons over the last few months. Its been a series of eye opening experiences. Talks with friends. Talks with family. Circumstances. New people that He has brought into my life. I have tried my best to approach it all to see what I could learn, and how I could change my thinking to line up with what God is trying to show me.

You see, for many years I was a typical church woman. I was raising my kids to love and serve God. Teaching them constantly about the ways of the Lord. I went to my Bible studies, attended church, tithed, helped missionaries, proudly sent my kids off on several mission trips and prayed for everyone that God placed in my heart. All of that is wonderful! I am not, in any way, saying that there is anything wrong with any of it. God used it all to grow me up and get me to this very place in my life. But I have come to this place in my life where all of that is not enough. I want to be more! I want to put hands and feet to my walk with Christ!

I asked God a few weeks ago to place me in positions where He could use me in the lives of others in an everyday, real way. And boy, did He ever oblige! There are so many people out there that simply need love, so many that need an ear to hear them. There are so many people that need to know they matter in life and someone cares. They don't necessarily need a Bible verse, or a handy Christian saying. Rather, they need love. They need conversation. They need time.

As God began to change my heart, and my view of the church, He began to fill my life with opportunities. I told some friends the other day, "My hands are full! I am not sure how I can give to everyone that He has placed in my life!" Many of you are seeing life as I am. I have become somewhat disillusioned, somewhat jaded by people who have Jesus in their pocket, and pull Him out whenever they need Him. Then put Him away, as though He's not their Savior, rather an accessory to make them look good. Many hide their secret life of sin or of pain or of struggles. Putting on their best Christian face all the time, but never being a real person. Its my deepest desire to share Him in very practical ways. To no longer live a religious life, rather a life that shares His love with people where they live. A life that's real and practical, and that others can relate to.

I have felt overwhelmed on many days, but I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is love on those that God places on my heart and in my life one at a time. But if we all reached out, and showed His love in whatever capacity that He allowed us to, even if its one person at a time, what a different world we would live in! Will you join me? Will you step out from the safety of the life we all have lived, and go with me while we allow God to open our eyes to what He is trying to tell us? Can we please stop being so religious, and start being real? Can we put hands, feet, AND love to the Jesus that's been in our pocket?

Salida, Co.. I will never forget you...

2011-09-09T18:17:00.000-07:00

As we left Crested Butte on Monday, it was a very bitter sweet drive. I must admit, I felt like I was leaving my heart behind. I have never felt that way before about any place on earth (except Ooltewah). We stopped by a meadow and a stream to let Lindsay take some pictures of her favorite wildflowers. I noticed one of the spotted horses that had caught my eye during our visit. I so loved watching him every time we passed by his farm. Wish I had taken his picture. I would love to see his face today. But somehow, I knew in my heart, I'd be back.

We rambled back through the mountains, to a little town called Salida. Never, in my wildest dreams, could I imagine what that day had in store for me. Our trip was about to take a drastic turn of events, and my heart was about to be split wide open.

We found our cabin, and moved all our things in. A feeling of oppression settled over me as we entered the town, and then our cabin. Our cabin was lovely! It was huge, with a game room, fully stocked kitchen, big screen tv's, wrap around porch, and even horse shoes. But something felt so uneasy there. Those of you with the gift of discernment know exactly what I am talking about. You are feeling the way I felt, even as you read this. And those who don't have that gift, are a little confused right now. But I am just being honest. Something in my spirit was not right.

We settled in, bought groceries and began to cook supper. As Lindsay and I were attempting to grill our steaks, a wild wind started blowing in. My guess would be that it was at least 50mph! We could hardly stand in it. And then, everything changed. I got that phone call that still makes me shiver when I think of it.

My dear friend, Kim McArthur, was crying on the other end. She said to me "I wanted you to know that Adam died today". (Adam was her oldest son). Then we just began to cry together. During our very personal conversation, all I could do is pray, "God help us! God help us! Jesus! Jesus! We need you!" Can you imagine my panic? My pain, as I tried to weakly help my very close friend from 2000 miles away. It was every mom's nightmare. Nothing in life had prepared me to walk through these waters. After a few minutes of total despair, she assured me that I needed to stay in Colorado, then, reluctantly, we said goodbye. I am pretty sure I cried for the next 24 hours off and on. My body was in Colorado, but my heart was in Chattanooga with Kim.

As the next few days passed, God showed up in a huge way! I had some amazing moments with Him, and my family. Beautiful hikes, antelope, a wolf, a ghost town, silence on the top of a 14,000 foot mountain, snow, and great conversation. And fabulous food! Lindsay and Daniel discover how to throw horseshoes. So there was laughter...so much laughter! The town, and cabin still had a sense of oppression for me, but when we were out in the backcountry, life was incredibly peaceful and good.

Again, I marvel at the Love of God. His timing is so perfect. At first, I questioned why I was so far away when my wonderful friend needed me most. But as time went on, I knew God had me there to refresh me so I would come back home with a new strength. Kim agreed that she would need me most later, after the funeral. God's timing is perfect.

I will never understand why He allows tragedy of that magnitude. I will never understand why my godly wonderful friend has had to suffer so much pain. All I know is this. God is God. He knows. And He loves us. I don't have to understand. All I have to do is follow and believe, even when its so painful that my heart could burst.
Here are a few of the memories from that part of the trip...enjoy! Love you all! More to come from our last stop on the trip in a few days! Thanks for coming along! :) I can honestly say that my heart longed to share every minute with you all. We should take a group trip someday :)

Cottonwood Pass, Buena Vista, Co

The view from our cabin deck

one of our hikes to Agnes Falls

Agnes Falls....never too old to climb a few rocks! :)

Lindsay and I sitting on top of a mountain, enjoying the view and having great conversation.

Never once did we ever walk alone...

2011-09-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

As AJ sang this song this morning at Ethos, this lyric really resonated within me. "Never once did we ever walk alone. You are faithful God..." I must admit, I walked through a season this past winter where I couldn't see what God was doing, and I didn't sense His presence. It was a very dark time in my life. I was in despair. And if felt as though I was so weak. I was barely crawling through life, brokenhearted.
It feels amazing to look back and see the path that He had me on during that time. All along He was whispering to me, "Keep going, my love. I am right here. Trust Me, even in the darkness, even though you can't see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Trust Me."
And now, it all makes sense. Now I see what He was doing. I am so humbled and grateful to Him for those days. The pain and darkness was so worth it! I wouldn't trade it for any amount of joy and happiness. As I look back, I know without a doubt "Never once did I ever walk alone..." He never left my side. He carried me through. And the place He has brought me to is so beautiful, filled with more trust that ever before.
If you are where I was just a few months ago, I want you to know, He is right there, even if you can't see Him, or feel Him. Even if your path is black with darkness, He is right there. You can trust Him. Hold on! There is light coming! Don't give up! He is God!

Crested Butte, Colorado

2011-09-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today, my heart and mind have been wondering to Colorado. What a wonderful place! God's creation at its finest. I can remember as we drove from Pueblo, into the mountains, through Salida, then into the back country thinking to myself, "Could there ever be a more beautiful place in this world?" We drove over such high peaks, over snow covered mountain tops, through beautiful valleys, saw rushing rivers, and rambling creeks. We passed through tiny quaint towns with the most charming buildings. The people were so kind every where we stopped. And horses! So many horses. Every farm, every house had a horse or two. I truly love horses. Their soft noses, the way they smell, brushing them, saddling them, their soft whispering nay when they see you coming, their rippling muscles. Needless to say, as we took that drive, I felt like I was in heaven.
When we arrived at our first destination, Crested Butte, I can remember driving through that lovely town and feeling a strange sense of belonging. Home. It felt like home. So strange how a place I have never been before could feel so familiar. The culture is entirely different from our southern culture. Yet, I felt like I belonged. As we checked into our condo that night, tears welled up in my eyes. Tears of awe. I was totally in awe of God and His creation, and the fact that He would allow me, of all people, to partake in such beauty.
I am going to share more from our journey as time goes by, but for now, I want to stay in Crested Butte. The wildflowers were in full bloom, the trees were incredible, and the views were stunning. We had Mountain Blue birds nesting in our vents. So we had the pleasure of watching the mom and dad come in and out and feed their babies. The dad would stand watch over the nest. We could almost always spot him keeping a keen eye on his nest, and his babies. Then on our last day there, 2 of the birds were pushed from the nest. They landed on our balcony. We worried and fretted over their safety. But their parents were never far away. They came and fed them on our balcony, until the day we left. The owner of our condo emailed us later to let us know that she saw them fly away a few days later.
So many metaphors for that story, and other experiences we had in that lovely town.
If you ever have a chance, visit Crested Butte. It's an experience unlike any other.
Today, I needed the peace that those memories brought. Life brings so much sorrow, and grief and suffering. But today, briefly in my mind, I could return to Crested Butte. And feel the peace of that place. Thank You Father for the love you show me. I am so humbled that You allowed me such a great visit. Just think, Heaven will be far more beautiful, and lovely. And I will see You face to face. I can only imagine....
For now, indulge me as I share a few pictures....enjoy!

So beautiful! The drive in to the town...

Our baby Mountain Blue Birds. Yes! They are alive! :)

Some of the beautiful wildflowers

What a wonderful town....

the little things

2011-08-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

Thursday was just one of those days. You know the kind... I felt out of sorts when I woke up. As the morning wore on, I found myself feeling a bit anxious and simply overwhelmed. The stresses of life had been weighing on me all week, and it seemed that it had all piled up that morning.

As I got in my car that morning to head to work, I could feel the sting of the tears that were about to surface. My mind raced to the woman that was behind me at a stop light a couple of weeks ago. As she sat there, she was crying her eyes out. I prayed for her at that moment, and have prayed for her a few times since. I remember on Thursday, briefly thinking that I hoped if I lost it while driving, like she did, God would lay it on the heart of someone to pray for me. And, of course, like any woman worth her salt, I thought about my mascara! I was headed to work after all, and I didn't want to look like a total mess all day! :)

As I pulled out of the garage, something rather odd happened. There was a work crew of prisoners at the end of our driveway. Let me explain. We live in a typical East Brainerd subdivsion. Nothing fancy. But in my 13 years of living here, I have never seen a work crew in our neighborhood. As I pulled out of my driveway, I noticed how dirty the prisoners looked. Their orange jumpsuits were literally filthy. Pity filled my heart for them. And then, all of a sudden, one of them turned and waved and smiled at me, as if he wanted to lift my spirits. This may seem silly to other people, but God used that man to lift my heart. I drove past him, and said a prayer for him. Then went on to ask God to do something through me on that day. I knew that anything good that came of me, would be through Him and Him alone, because I was a mess.

When I arrived at work, I was immediately met with the smiles and laughter of my co-workers. Shortly afterwards, I got a big hug from one of our children. All of this may seem so small to other people. But can I just say, God used each and every moment that day to lift my heart up. A visit from my friend, Kyle, seeing an old friend, Dot, a visit from Lindsay, a laugh with several of my friends, kind words spoken unexpectedly, and unexpected call from my son...it all added. By the time I left work that day, I was regaining my strength. I was physically exhausted, but God used those moments to lift me out of my discouraged mood.

Why am I telling you all this? I just wanted to share, once again, and forever more, what an awesome God we serve. He is awesome in the huge miracles he performs. But He is also awesome in the little things. And He is awesome, even if He does nothing at all. He is God, and worthy of all praise.

Here's what's been on my mind...

2011-08-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

I have always heard that God speaks in themes. When He keeps bringing up the same subject over and over, you had better pay attention. The past month He has had a big theme going on in my life. I can not even begin to tell you how many random conversations that I have had on this one subject. Really, countless people who are totally separate relationships in my life have brought this subject up. I can not tell you how many sermons I have heard about it. And I joined a discussion group on facebook, and what was the subject? You got it! The same thing He's been speaking to me and countless other people about lately. The subject is "What is the 'church' supposed to look like? What can we, as Christians, do to reach out to people who don't know Christ? How can we become more effective in our culture today? How can we be relevant in the world we live in?"

I am hearing this over and over. It all started, for me, when Daniel moved home this summer. He came home some what disillusioned over traditional Christianity, and the traditonal church. We had many conversations about his view of what church has become, and what he believes church should be. And, you know what? I have to say, I agree with him. While I was raised extremely traditional, in a Southern Baptist Church, (and I do love my church, and my upbringing), I totally understand what he is saying. Yes, I am learning to listen a little more, and open my mind to a new way of thinking, even at my age! haha :)

Please, don't ever misunderstand me. The message of Christ, and the truth of the Word never changes. I will never depart from His truths. And for many people, many of my family members included, traditional church services are exactly what they love, and exactly where they need to be.

But it seems that there is a new need in our culture. A need for something that isn't traditional. A need for a place where totally 'unchurched' people would feel completely comfortable, and totally loved and excepted no matter what their baggage, no matter where they have been. A need for showing Christ love in a far more effective way, to those that need it most.

Do I have the answer to this on going dilemma? Absolutely not! I wish I did! But, I feel that, with how many people are discussing this right now, God is moving and speaking. And I pray that I can figure out where I can fit into His plan. And that I can be open to change, (and yes! this will take some change!) as He leads His people to a major rethinking, and a major awakening, and possibly, a major movement of His people truly becoming His hands and feet...

Oh, summer....it's been interesting...

2011-08-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

What a summer! Whew! I am worn out just thinking about it. We celebrated Lindsay's graduation from Lee University, our 25th wedding anniversary, went on the vacation of a life time, lost a very close friends son suddenly and unexpectedly, shed many tears, had a back injury (Paul), a heel injury (me), got a new puppy, gave back the same new puppy, said goodbye to some people, said hello to a few new friends, and got reacquainted with a few people ...Its been crazy! It's been a lot of fun mixed with some deep grief and loss. My potpourri of emotions have had me on overload at times.

Oh, and did I mention that I 'welcomed' home my son, after his first year of living away from home. This transition hasn't always been smooth. Ok, let me be honest. At times we wanted to kill each other! haha I really haven't known what to do with him. He's mostly a grown man, but at times, he still needs me to be mom. We have had a few arguments, I must admit. Again, let me be honest here...more than a few arguments... I had a friend tell me once that its really hard when they come back home. I thought to myself, "Not with my kids...we're not like that.." I welcomed Lindsay home from her first semester a few years ago and we breezed right through it, as if she'd never been away. And then came Daniel. Boy, was my friend ever right! It's been a hard adjustment.

As usual, Daniel has taught me so much. He can get me to think outside the box better than anyone I know. I love him for that, and for so many other reasons. He is an awesome young man. This summer he has taught me that its OK to question your faith, and have questions for God about the Bible. He has, once again, reminded me of acceptance for people that are different from me. He has taught me that I am extremely controlling when he is driving. :) haha (Well, actually that's nothing new. He has just reminded me of it over and over! haha) He is teaching me to pick my battles, and not to make a big deal over things that aren't a big deal.

But, most importantly, he has reminded me that the love of Christ reaches so much further than the church walls. He has reminded me that Christ loves sinners and that while on earth, He walked with sinners. He has reminded me that, in order to be an effective Christian, I need to love those that look nothing like me, those that talk nothing like me, and that act nothing like me. He reminds me that we don't have to compromise our beliefs in order to reach out to others.

Will Daniel and I continue our conflict? Most likely. Probably. While I will never change or compromise my core beliefs and values, I am so thankful that Daniel reminds me that sometimes I have to reevaluate things, and that change is good. It often takes change in order to grow. And there's nothing wrong with that!

Much love everyone! Thanks for joining me in my quest to be real!

"some times the hardest things and the right things are the same.."

2011-08-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

We adopted the most wonderful puppy this week. She came to us with much prayer and thought and planning. We had actually been thinking about adopting a puppy for several months, but I wanted to wait until we got home from vacation so I could devote all the time to her that she needed until she was house trained. I found her online at a Pet Rescue place. The second I saw her picture, I was in love. And, sure enough, when I saw her in person she was everything I had prayed for. Smart, cute, funny, and loving. Ellie had it all.
But, sadly, when we brought her home, Gordon (our older rescue dog) didn't feel the same about her. You see, Gordon has a terrible track record with other dogs. He likes them okay when they are outside our home, but when they step inside the door, pure hatred takes over. Gordon tried to kill our Schnauzer twice. But, I honestly thought when he met this precious little puppy, he would take her in. I was wrong. As time wore on, I could see the hatred building in his eyes. I knew, without a doubt, that he would kill her if we ever turned our back on them. Ellie was getting afraid. I was afraid. So, we made the very difficult decision to return her to her rescue home.
I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that returning my precious puppy was the right thing to do. But, as Lindsay drove away with her, I cried my eyes out. Later, Lindsay said something very wise, I think. "She was the right puppy, but it was the wrong time". So true.
As always, I look back at the events of this past week, and try to figure out what God was up to. I always want to know what I can take away from something like this, and how I can grow from it.
I am not sure all He had in mind with this turn of events. But I did learn somethings from Ellie's personality.
Ellie loved us from the second she saw us. She loved us with unconditional, fearless love. When she heard our voices, she lit up like a Christmas tree. When we left the room, she looked highly disappointed. She made me feel so important. She got to know each one of us quickly. She knew our voices as soon as she heard us speak. She listened to everything we said to her with bright eyes. She was the picture of true love. She was the picture of the love that God has for us. She treated us the way God intends for us to treat each other; with value, excitement, and true love.
I fall short of this standard so often, more than I care to admit. Yet my Father still loves me with that kind of love, and so much more. That is hard for me to take in at times...actually, most of the time. He is excited when I talk to Him. He loves to listen to my heart. His love is far more unconditional than any love I could dream of or ever give. I am reminded of the hymn that says "Amazing love, how can it be? That you my King would die for me?"

So, for my little Ellie, I pray she finds a home more wonderful that we could ever give her. And, as for what I learned, I pray I can begin to take in and understand Gods love for me, and someway, somehow, share that kind of love with others...

what really matters in life...

2011-07-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

"Mom, I just think that sometimes we make a big deal over things that are not that important to God..." Those words still echo in my ears today. You see, last week, Lindsay and I were sitting on a rock at the peak of a 14,000 foot mountain with unobstructed views of the Rocky Mountains. We were having a wonderful talk...a talk about everything from dating, our wonderful friends, God, grief, and moral issues that we both face every day. It seems that we are constantly bombarded by moral dilemmas around our house. Social drinking, smoking, cursing, going to bars, and how much our culture dictates and effects all of this, is just a few of the issues and questions that keep all of us in an ongoing dialogue. And I might add, it keeps me on my toes. I have strong opinions about all the issues we talk about. But I am learning to listen. I am learning that these are very valid questions. And I am learning that being opinionated and argumentative is not effective in any way. I am learning to open up my mind a little bit.

You see, at 52, I have walked through a lot. I have faced some issues and problems that many of my friends have never faced. All of these experiences, and my walk with God, have carved out who I am, and what I believe. But it is so important that we all allow God to carve out our individual paths. We must never, ever depart from truth, or His Word. There are so many things that are absolutes. We should never compromise on these issues and sins. However, I am trying to learn to give everyone room and grace to allow God to carve their own path in life. If a person is seeking God with all their heart, then God will be faithful and lead them in the direction He has for them. And their path won't be the same as my path.

What really matters in life is that we love the Lord with all our hearts, souls, minds and strength. It matters that we realize that life is all about Him and His glory. And it matters that we seek Him and follow Him and the path He has laid out for each of us.

So, today, God still has me on a tight leash. He knows that I need boundaries and regulations to stay on my path. My boundaries make me feel safe. But I am figuring out that the best way to teach people all God has taught me through life is to love them, to live it out in front of them, and to listen, and understand. Then allow the Holy Spirit to guide them the way He wants them to go.

This is the view we had that day we sat on the mountain and talked....my favorite place on earth! :)

Psalm 16:11

¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand. (NIV)

1 Corinthians 6:20

²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (NIV)

Even when my heart is breaking...

2011-07-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

While sitting here in the middle of the majestic Rocky Mountains, I received the most gut wrenching phone call of my life. It was my precious friend of 19 years, Kim. Kim and I have walked through so much together. Much of it is unimaginable. We have been each others prayer partners, accountability partners, we've laughed together, worshiped together, grieved together, and cried together many times. But nothing in life has prepared me for the phone call I got from her today.
As I listened to the voicemail, panic sat in. Kim said to me, with a shaky voice, "Kim PLEASE! Call me as soon as you can. Adam died today." Adam is Kim's oldest son. He died of a blood clot. I am not sure of his exact age, but he was in his early 30's. Adam was married, and had one young son.
As I called her back, we just cried together. All she could say was "How can I bury my son? HOW CAN I BURY MY SON???" What do you say to that? My heart is breaking in two. I am hundreds of miles away from my precious friend, feeling incredibly helpless. How will she bury her son? What can I say? What can I do? How will we cross through this dark time together? Has God equipped me to comfort my friend through this?
Kim's last words to me on the phone today haunt me as I am writing... "I am not worried about making it through the next couple of days. I am worried about making it through the rest of my life."
Please pray for my beloved friend. Pray for her family. I don't even know what to ask you to pray for them. God will put it in your heart as you pray.
Hold your kids extra close. Enjoy every moment. And don't sweat the little stuff. In the grand scheme of life, all that matters is God. Life is all about Him. Even in this dark time, my lips will praise Him.
I love you all!

Thunder Valley

2011-07-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

Here's something that most people don't know about me. I like NASCAR. In fact, my husband, my son and I have frequented a few races over the years. Our favorite track is Bristol. We have had some interesting experiences at "Thunder Valley" over time. There was one race a few years ago where the temperature was in the 30's. There was snow on the ground all around the track. From our seats, you can view the mountains and they were all topped with snow. Now, let me paint the picture for you. When attending a race at Bristol, traffic is a nightmare. So, in order to get out after the race and beat the traffic, we park our car about 2 miles away from the track. The terrain is hilly. So by the time we hike into the venue, then up all the steps to our seats, we have had quite a work out! Our seats are wonderful though. The higher your seats at Bristol, the better your view of the entire track. So its all well worth it.

On this particular March Sunday afternoon, it was windy, and freezing cold outside. We hiked in to the track carrying several blankets, a cooler, and wearing layers of clothes, plus a coat. Needless to say, the hike in was tiring. But, once we heard those words: "Gentlemen START YOUR ENGINES!", all was forgotten. There is nothing like the roar of those engines. What a thrill! Honestly, just between you and me, that's one of my favorite sounds in the world! :)

It remained cloudy all day that day, and we felt wind from the cars as they raced past us. But nothing seemed to matter except the excitement all around us. There were a couple of fights between some of the drivers. And when Kurt Busch won, he got out of his car, laid down on the start/finish line and made a snow angel. We had such a good time people watching, and enjoying the race that day!

That's only one of many stories I could tell you about different races we have been to. We've also made it to many football games, (both high school and UT games), basketball games, concerts, several different beaches, many cabins in the mountains, many long drives, and so on over the years. I wouldn't take anything for all those memories with my family. Some memories are wonderful. Some, not so wonderful. But it makes us who we are today.

That's how I view my walk with God. I follow Him where ever He leads. Sometimes its wonderful, and sometimes it doesn't seem so wonderful at the time. But I wouldn't trade a moment of the journey. It makes me who I am today. I attempt to keep a journal, though I'm not always as faithful as I want to be. I want to always remember those monumental times, whether good or bad, where God showed up in a big way, and I came to know Him on a deeper level. As I am writing, I am forming an idea. I think I will start a collection of mementos from the times God does exceedingly above what I could think. (Ephesians 3:20) I want to always remember His grace, mercy, and those times of growth.
I am reminded of the verse in Joshua:
“Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day.” Joshua 4:9 (NIV)

Once again, thanks for reading! Feel free to email me (kimweaver77@aol.com) or message me on FB if you need prayer, or have input for me! I expect I'll have a lot of things to tell you when we get home from vacation. Love to you all!

2011 so far....

2011-06-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

Things I've learned this year so far, and things God teaches me again and again... and the year's only half over. Oh my...

*When you are having problems with your foot hurting, don't waste time. Go to the Dr right away. Time wasted means it will take more time to get well.

*Laugh every chance you get. And feel free to laugh at yourself. It makes life easier to bare.

*Tell people they are important to you. And when you miss them, let them know. And never ever let them walk away without letting them know you love them. Sometimes you never get the moment back...

*Follow God, even if it doesn't make sense at the time, even when its hard, and even if others are questioning why you are doing what you are doing. He has a reason. It may hurt, but He will prove Himself faithful. And it is so worth it!

*Close friends can sometimes do unexpected things, and sometimes hurt you beyond belief. Your heart still loves them though, no matter what...

*Never give up on people you love. Even when you are apart for a time, you never know when God will bring them back around.

*God is all He promises to be and so much more, even in the hardest times. Don't lose hope, even in the darkest days.

*Facebook is an awesome way to stay close to people, reconnect with people, and make new friends that mean the world to you.

*Working with children is the very best therapy when life is rough. (so is Relient K, but that's besides the point haha)

*Go ahead and invest in really good shoes. Its worth the price. Sadly, Toms and flip flops are bad for aging feet. Chaco's are the best shoes in the world!

*Apparently, God can use me and my blog. I had no idea that I could write. I can barely complete a sentence when I talk! I can so relate to Moses... I am positive there are people far more qualified than me. But apparently God doesn't think so. Very humbling.

*Never say never. It seems as sure as you do, God has a good laugh and makes you eat those words. ;)

*Embrace each and every opportunity that God sends you to spend time with people. Enjoy every moment He gives you with friends.

*Turn off your phone, computer, TV or whatever might be a distraction, and stay in the moment with those around you. Learn to listen (something I am working on constantly!).

*Be open. Be vulnerable. You never know who needs to know that you've been where they are, and that you understand, and care.

*Live every day like its your last. Love with your whole heart. Value your friends. Hold your family close. Gather wisdom every where you can. And most importantly, love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul. We are created for Him. And life really is all about Him.

Love you all!

Let's get real....

2011-06-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

Once again I am writing and deciding as I write to just be as honest as I can. Lately I have been struggling with worry. I am ordinarily not a worrier. Generally I am the first one to take a blind leap of faith when a situation arises, and God calls me to. But last night I had something on my mind that I have been concerned about for a while now. My concern turned into full blown worry as I lay in bed thinking things over. I lost hours of sleep in the process. I prayed, and thought of all the 'right' Scriptures. I gave it to God.... and took it back over and over again.

Can anyone else relate to my struggle? Maybe yours isn't worry. Maybe it's anxiety, or depression, or loneliness, or unbelief, or lying, or fear, or pride...and the list goes on and on.

As I am writing I am feeling exposed and vulnerable. Actually, I am feeling a little ungodly. Why is it so hard for us to confess our struggles to each other? Why am I writing all of this? I am writing and confessing my struggle because I am so tired of hiding behind a Christian mask. The longer I walk with God, the more I realize that no one has it all together. If we really did have it all together, then pride would take over, and we'd be a mess again. :)

Here is another confession. Some of my loneliest moments have been sitting in a church pew, with fellow believers to my right and left. I can remember times that I have sat in a church service fighting back tears because of my struggles, and looking around me and thinking, "everyone looks like they've got life all together, and I am dying inside. Surely if I am dying inside, then others around me are hurting, too." And that truth brings me to my desire. I want to be real. I desperately want to live my life in such a way that I others can relate to me. I want to always be able to relate to others. I pray that all that I live through, and all that I struggle with can be used to encourage others and give hope.

At the end of the day, life is all about Him. I think a lot about the fact that often times experiences in my life that effect me, really aren't about me. They are for His glory, and often times I am just a small piece in a much bigger puzzle. I had an experience like that a few days ago. Lindsay and I were out for ice cream and we literally stumbled into a very awkward and painful scene. When we got home, I was asking God why it was necessary for Him to place us right there at that moment. "Why did we have to see that?", I asked Him. I couldn't see, for the life of me, what good it did either of us or how His purpose was being served. In my eyes it only reopened freshly healed wounds. He gently reminded me that it wasn't about me or Lindsay, but He allowed it for a greater purpose that I wasn't aware of. He whispered to my heart that He was using it for someone else. Praise His name! It's not about me! That truth sets me free and makes me want to dance! :)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

I have been living and breathing this song lately by Hillsong United. If you have time, give it a listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMxKrwqp_4Y

Much love to you all!

Half the fun is getting there...

2011-06-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

My friend, Kyle, called me yesterday. As we talked, I asked him about his recent trip to the beach. Then our conversation turned to the trip my family has planned to Colorado. As usual, Kyle said to me, "Kim, really??? Why in the world are you driving it? Why don't you just fly out there". My reply was the usual, "Half the fun is getting there, Kyle."

You see, this isn't the first time we have made the drive to Colorado. We were there many years ago when Lindsay and Daniel were kids. When I look back on that trip, half of what I remember is the drive out there and the drive back home. We all had such a great time! We saw so much of the US that I would never have seen from an air plane. I vividly remember the green grass in Kentucky, the corn fields in Illinois, the endless skies of Kansas. And then, just when you think Kansas will go on forever, you cross the state line into Colorado. I remember so well my first glimpse of the Rockies. As we drove down the interstate, off to the left there appeared to be a storm cloud in the distance. The more I watched it, the more I realized that I wasn't seeing a storm cloud, but rather the majestic Rocky Mountains. What a glorious sight!

The drive home was filled with just as much excitement as we got to see the gorgeous landscape of New Mexico, an actual road runner at a rest stop, the plains of Texas, Oklahoma City, where the chairs now sit as a memorial to those who lost their lives that horrible day of the bombing. And crossing the Tennessee state line on the bridge outside of Memphis and shouting, then singing Rocky Top! What a ride we'd had!

As I got off the phone with Kyle, I got to thinking about how that philosophy sums up who I am, and my life. It seems that when life is going great, there is so much fun to have. And when life is so hard, that I feel like I can't take any more, if I look really hard, there is still something good coming out of it all. There is still an inside joke with a friend, or a gorgeous bird on my bird feeder, or a friend that God sends with just the right words for the situation. These small things make the situation, or the next breath, a little more bearable. And, even when we are drowning in sorrow, we can still just know that God is God. And He alone is beautiful and wonderful.

As I look back on life, the good and the bad, I can honestly say, I am not home yet, but I sure am enjoying the journey. I am learning to trust God even in the darkest times when I don't see Him or feel His presence. And I am learning to enjoy the moments with every ounce that's in me when life serves up a lighthearted day, a good laugh, or a drive to Colorado. After all, half the fun is getting there!

For my dear friends that are going through unimaginable grief and pain right now, my heart breaks with you. You are in my prayers and I love you!

"Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts." Rick Warren

Psalm 40:1-3
¹ I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. ² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. ³ He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.

There is none beside You, God

2011-06-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face, and the song "There is none beside You God" playing in my head. My evening yesterday was a very pleasant relaxing evening. Lindsay and I had gone to Mom and Dad's house, looked through old pictures, chatted with them about life and their lives when they were young, found out that Mom used to date a man named Tut(?!!?), and had some barbeque. It was a very laid back, fun evening.

As we headed to the mall after we left their house, the good conversation continued. This was my first attempt at going to the mall in a few weeks due to an injury to my foot. I was determined to pace myself so I didn't over do things and have to go through the pain and recovery again. So, when we stopped at a store outside the mall, I decided to wait in the car while Lindsay ran in. As usual, I started to pick up my phone to entertain myself during the wait, then I remembered that I was trying to break that habit. So, I turned up the stereo. I was listening to Hillsong, and the song "There is none beside You God" came on.

I started thinking about the meaning of those words. I feel like, if I could describe the year 2011, it would be summed up in those words. I am slowly but surely coming to the point where there is none beside Him. As the evening rolled by last night, our conversation turned to some of the dear people we've lost from our lives this year. We talked fondly about the memories we have, and both really missed them.

I am still not sure why God required such a great sacrifice from us both, particularly Lindsay. The path He has laid in front of us is beautiful, yet very uncertain. I have many friends that are going through the same things that I am. Their circumstances may be different, but the theme is the same. It seems that God is purifying His people right now. I am not sure why so many godly wonderful people are going through so many difficult trials. I often pray that the day will come when we can look back and see all He is doing through the unseen. But it is my desire to walk this path and be able to sing with every ounce in me "There is none beside You, God".

1 Samuel 2:2
“There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God."
Psalm 73:25
Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8EoFESw4iY

PS. I am guessing that Satan doesn't want this blog to be published, since I have lost the text several times in the course of writing it. Oh well, I am not going to stop now! :)

I am not my own

2011-06-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a very interesting, and wonderful week. As I started out with a blog entry about simplifying, I had no idea the impact that following my own advice would make in my life. I have heard from friends, family and most importantly, I have heard from God more clearly than I have in years. I don't know about you, but for me, God generally speaks to me in themes. God will place something on my heart then reinforce it over and over again. I will hear the same verses over and over again. Every time I turn the TV on I will hear someone speaking about what God is trying to tell me. Conversations will turn to the same theme, and so on, until I finally get it through my thick head that God is trying to tell me something. As I began to turn my phone off, and put my computer down a little bit more, I began to clearly hear the theme that God has been trying to teach me.

You see, I am constantly one step ahead of life in my mind. God has been screaming at me to slow things down. He has been wanting me to be more present with the people He places in my life. But most of all, He has been wanting me to really get the fact that I belong to Him. I am not my own. Every breathe I take is His. Every step I walk, every heart beat is His. This isn't a new way of living for me. But I never realized how distracted I have become from the life that He has for me.

The week ended with a spontaneous trip to the Smoky Mountains, Cades Cove to be exact. What an amazing day. I love God's beautiful creation. I love wildlife, and horses, and mountains, good conversation, my Honda Accord, donuts, and sunsets. This trip had all of that, and so much more. Oh, and did I mention, I turned the radio off in the car, rolled the windows down, opened the sunroof, and got the pleasure of listening to Lindsay sing "Earnestly I seek Thee", a new song by Aaron Gillespie. That's another moment I would have missed if I hadn't made the choice to unplug for a while. And the sunset was magnificent. The perfect end to the perfect week.

^{Philippians 3:7} But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

Simplifying...

2011-05-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

I was thinking the other day about how simple life used to be... before the days of internet, cell phones, etc. The very things that were invented for us to make our lives easier, in reality, complicate our lives so much more. Many of my days are now filled with checking my email, facebook, texting, sending out tweets, and sending people messages. There is nothing more annoying than trying to have an important or meaningful conversation with someone while they are texting! (pet peeve of mine ha!)

Yes, there are things that have, in some ways, made life easier. I spend much less time at the mall scrambling at the last minute to finish my Christmas shopping. I go online to grab a quick devotion on days that are hurried, so that I can still start my day thinking on God, even when I'm rushed. I have been able to keep up with old friends that I would have lost contact with, and I have made new friends through facebook. I have shared prayer request, and prayed for people that have shared things with me over the internet. I found great recipes, read articles, and found sale adds online. So, yes, there are many wonderful things about this world we live in now.

Once I decided to eliminate the process of shopping for a refrigerator by doing all the shopping for brands, comparing prices, and reading reviews online. That, in and of itself, is a good idea. I highly recommend doing all the research for a product online. But my mistake came when I decided the process was so easy and comfortable, that I would just go ahead and purchase one online, too. My new frig was delivered the next day. I was very happy about it, until I realized it was the same size as my old frig, just shaped different. Now I am stuck with a frig that is way too small for all the orange juice, milk, iced tea, and other foods and beverages that we keep in stock! And, as long as we keep things around here, I feel like I'll be married to this refrigerator for the rest of my life! Needless to say, I would not recommend buying appliances online, sight unseen!

My daughter, Lindsay, and I were talking the other day about her camping trips. She was telling me about how,when she left the woods from a backpacking trip and turned her cell phone on, she almost felt disappointed that her time away from all our luxuries were over. I was remembering, too, about when my son, Daniel, came home from his mission trip in Honduras a couple of years ago, he hardly picked his phone up for a few weeks. He seemed much less hurried during those few weeks, and much more at peace in his life.

All of this has me wondering today about how much I miss hearing from God because of my time spent with my 'conveniences'. How many opportunities do I miss for a good conversation with someone, or reaching out to a stranger, because I am so busy living in cyberspace? How often am I so busy sending a text or tweeting about whats going on that maybe I am missing the real purpose God has for me at that time.

One of my friends commented this morning that she was listening to the birds and 'being still'. I miss those times way too much, I think.

So today I am contemplating how I can simplify my life. I am wondering how I can slow things down. How can I find balance between using the wonderful world of convenience that I have at my fingertips, and living life more in the moment with the people that are right around me.

God uses these things I have for His good, very often. However, there's a time and place to shut it down and be in the moment. It's all about balance, don't you think?

^{Psalm 46:10}
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

There's healing in Your wounds..

2011-05-23T17:19:00.001-07:00

I am going to be as transparent as possible today. Sometimes life just hurts.The truth is, today is just one of those days. We're brokenhearted, bewildered, confused, hurt, and missing people we love. For one reason or another, we have lost a lot of people that were so incredibly vital to our lives just a few months ago. And we still love them. Today, we are missing them and feeling the loss.

When I started this blog, I asked you to join me on my journey through life. Victory, happiness, and excitement are all part of it. And so is hurt, loss, and brokenness. God has really been showing me lately that its okay to grieve, be sad, and hurt. Christ did all of that. I think, in the name of being 'a woman of God', I often try to "stay strong". God is teaching me that 'staying strong' is a form of pride. Following Him means that when we go through difficult times, we cry, and we hurt, and we allow Him to lead us, guide us, and heal our broken hearts. And that's what I am choosing today. I am choosing to trust Him, worship Him, and allow Him to heal.

I just read this! I can not wait to see what He's going to do! :) Love you all! I'm so happy you're here with me!

Psalm 147
1 Praise the LORD! How good it is to sing praises to our God; for he is gracious, and a song of praise is fitting.
2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names.
5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.
6 The LORD lifts up the downtrodden; he casts the wicked to the ground.
7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving; make melody to our God on the lyre.
8 He covers the heavens with clouds, prepares rain for the earth, makes grass grow on the hills.
9 He gives to the animals their food, and to the young ravens when they cry.
10 His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the speed of a runner;
11 but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love.

Because your love is better than life....

2011-05-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days. It was a great day. But when I came home, I was exhausted. I was thinking, on the way home, that I wasn't going to cook tonight. We'd just have sandwiches or something easy. Then it happened. I got a phone call from my son, Daniel. "Mom, uhhh, are you by any chance cooking tonight? Me and Sam were thinking of eating at our house... so, I was just wondering...." Immediately, my mind went into cooking mode and I began planning the menu. I was thinking "What can I pull together for Daniel? And I haven't seen Sam in a while...this is going to be fun!!"

You see, most of you probably know my daughter, Lindsay. She loves to be in a crowd of people, loves having her picture made, loves being on stage, and loves being mentioned in my blog. But you might not know Daniel. He and I are so much alike. Daniel hates having his picture taken, (I couldn't even find a recent picture of him for this post) he hates being the center of attention, hates large parties and will probably hate that I am writing this blog about him.

But after that phone call this afternoon, I started thinking about him. Daniel is the one that makes our family interesting. Daniel has almost always challenged me, on every level. When he was younger, challenged me on rules, chores, where he goes to school, what time curfew is, where he shops, who he dated, and so on. Now that he's grown, he still challenges me. He is the one that will have the controversial opinion about any subject that I am main stream on. And yet, even as I am writing this, he just called and said "Mom, Sam left his stuff at our house. Is there any way you would meet us halfway and bring his stuff to us?" It was 10pm. I was just about ready for bed, and more exhausted than ever. But I got in the car and drove to meet them. Don't get me wrong. He is not spoiled. But he is just...well...Daniel. And I adore him. He is wonderful. And he stands by me through thick and thin. He makes me think outside the box. He gives to me sacrificially. My relationship with him is intense but every bit as wonderful, joyful, fun and special as my relationship with Lindsay.

My relationship with Daniel reminds me of my relationship with God. I am not always God's most compliant child. Now, hear me out. I believe Him, I love Him, I trust Him completely. He is my everything, and I will follow Him no matter where He leads me. But I am often His child that challenges Him. I am often the one that says "Really? Do I have to go through this again? I thought I already learned this lesson." Or I am the one that cries and cries over pain or trials. I seem to take the longest to heal from a difficult time. I am just His slowest learner, I think!

And yet He loves me more than my mind can grasp. Just like I love Daniel more than he will ever know, God loves and adores me even more! I would do anything for Daniel. I will go to the ends of the earth for him. And God loves me even more than that! God gave His Son to die for me! I can hardly take it all in! I can't grasp His sacrifice. But He is amazing and wonderful, and I am so grateful that I am His favorite!!! (and so are you!! we are all His favorites!!) Just imagine that...

Psalm 63:3-4 Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.

Who I am hates who I've been...

2011-05-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

*I have wrestled with this blog. Even as I publish it, I am feeling very vulnerable and uncomfortable. I actually wrote this a few days ago, and considered not publishing it. But I feel like I am supposed to, so here goes. I hope it touches someone.... Love to you all...*

I have come to realize something about myself. I don't give up on people. Maybe to a fault. Maybe there are people that I should give up on. Other people give up. But I just can't seem to do it. Often times, this has caused me a lot of pain. I have held out hope for people. Then they disappoint me. But then, somehow, I seem to gather up more hope and give them another chance. I will go through the cycle again and again. I will even say "That's it! I'll never allow them to do that again." And God whispers to my heart, "Child, I never gave up on you. I placed this person in your life for a reason. I am calling you to pray for them. I haven't given up on them. I am working. Your prayers, while the results may be unseen, are being heard and answered".

I have been wondering why I am like this? Once God burdens me for someone, I am like a pit bull. I have someone on my heart today that God placed there many months ago. I am not particularly close to this person, yet I pray for them every day. My prayer for them has been simple. "Father God, please make them into someone that walks with You. Someone that walks worthy before You. Someone that is completely content with You and You alone." Why do I pray for them like this? Because they are so much like me when I was in my 20's. Here's a bit of my story...

When I was young, I was very foolish. My identity was in whom ever I was dating or my friends. I was married and divorced by the time I was 21. That started me down a road of destruction. I didn't know who I was. I didn't give a lot of thought to what my actions were doing to the people that loved me. As a result, I hurt a lot of people. Most people gave up on me. The people in my church turned their backs on me. Many friends walked away, and I don't blame them. Some family members gave up. Then one day, it was as if God opened my eyes. I was sick of myself, the pain I was in, and the pain I'd caused. I got on my knees that day, in my apartment, all alone. I told God that I was willing to follow Him any where He led me. I cried out about how tired I was of myself. I told Him I'd do whatever He wanted me to if He would only give me peace. I got up off my knees a brand new woman. I felt different. I looked different. I thought differently. I finally had what I'd been searching for all along. I had true love. Love that would never fail. And I had such peace and joy. Everyone around me knew it. It was a life changing day!

I believe with all my heart, that there were people that God called to pray for me. To this day, I don't know who they were. But I believe that there were a handful of people who never gave up. That's why I keep on praying, and won't give up. Thank you to anyone, and everyone who never stopped praying for me. It probably seemed hopeless, but it wasn't! I am in love with Christ because you prayed!

It seems to me that people give up so easily.Times get hard, or someone doesn't behave the way we think they should, or circumstances change, and we just walk away. We just give up. We let them go. Love, and friendship is so valuable. When God honors us with the gift of love, (whether a friendship, a family member, or romantic love) don't give up when its hard. Don't just walk away. If its true love, its worth the fight, and the pain.

And one last, but most important thing. Thank you, Sherri, for never ever giving up on me. I know it was hard, but you always loved me. You never gave up. And because you didn't stop loving me, we are closer now than we have ever been. Forty years of love, friendship, laughter, grief, good times, and bad times, and we are still best friends. What would I ever do without you? What if you had given up? I am so thankful you didn't. I love you, for time and eternity :)

Psalm 33:22
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

Lessons learned in Walmart

2011-05-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

I spend way too much time at Walmart. I am there several times a week. Sometimes I am just "running in for a couple of things." And $200 later, I have my couple of things, and 50 more items. And sometimes I am there buying a full order of groceries, dreading the trip there, dreading loading and unloading all those little plastic bags, dreading trying to cram it all in my pantry and cabinets. (We are 'kitchen challenged' around here. Not much space.)

I always enjoy observing my fellow shoppers when I am there, though. And have you ever noticed? When you go with no make up on, or without showering first, or in your worst clothes, you always run into someone you know! And its usually not just anyone, but a person you haven't seen in years, or a fellow church member, or someone that is always fixed up to their best. And you try to dodge them, immediately thinking about how bad you look. But they always end up on the same isle with you. They never seem to mind how you look. They are just happy to see you. Then you feel bad for dodging them. And it most always lifts your spirits.

I am remembering a night last winter. The temperature was dropping. It was raining. And the roads were starting to ice over. It was about 10pm, and I realized that Gordon was out of dog food. He couldn't go hungry so I had to make the trip to Walmart. I was upset that I was the one that had to make the trip out that night. And I was nervous about the drive. I hurried in, forgetting how heavy a large bag of dog food is. So I didn't stop to get a cart. The dog food is in the very back of the store. So I grabbed a 20lb bag of food, and some hamster food and rushed to the cashier. Apparently everyone in Chattanooga had the same idea because the lines were backed up several people deep. By now, the dog food seemed to weigh about 50lbs. My arms and hands hurt. I was mad that no one at home had volunteered to make this journey. And I was frustrated with myself for not buying dog food on my last trip there (which was probably just the day before). I was almost in tears.

I chose the express lane and got in line, wondering how I would hold all this stuff for another 10 minutes. When all of the sudden, the young man in front of me turned around. Immediately his eyes softened. He smiled. Then very quickly unloaded his cart, and gave it to me to put my dog food in. I was so grateful to him! He was like a super hero to me at that moment! I am sure this kind young man has long forgotten this gesture. But I have carried it with me for months. I want to be the person that makes a sacrifice for a stranger. It seemed like a small gesture to him, but it took a load off me. I pray I will always remember to show the small gestures of love to those that God places in my path. It really can change a persons day. Maybe even their life....

My '06 Honda Accord. A love story.

2011-05-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, we sat out to buy a car for me. Now, I LOVE car shopping! I love test driving cars (especially when the salesmen don't ride along with you). I love driving and assessing each car. Weird, I know, but I think its fun.
After driving what seemed like a million cars, our day was drawing to an end. We were getting very tired, and hungry. We had heard every bad line from every car salesman. It had been a long day. We were considering a brand new beautiful red Toyota Camry. I had always wanted a red car! The new car smell was about to win me over. I didn't love the way it drove. I am a Honda person. I've owned a Hondas for over 20 years, but this Camry was so pretty! Paul and I were talking about the price we would offer. Then, after talking, we decided to make one more stop, at one more car lot.
I had prayed about this car purchase. But I had made it perfectly clear to both God, and my family that all I wanted was an '08 Accord. I had shopped online before that day, and that's basically all I'd looked for.
If there was one point I had made very clear in my prayers to God, and to my family, it was that I DID NOT, under ANY circumstance, want a 2006 white Accord. I thought that model was ugly.(ha) Plus, my last car was white. I was tired of having a white car. I wanted something colorful or else a black car. And believe me, I knew best about my taste in cars. ;)
As we pulled into the final car lot that day, there it was! It was as if angels sang around it! The most gorgeous white 2006 Honda Accord!!! Leather seats, fully loaded! And in our price range! With payments that were exactly what we could afford to pay. I thought to myself, "No! This can't be!" We decided to take it for a test drive, after scouring the lot for something that was more my taste. The second we got in the car, it was as if God said, "This is your car!" WHAT???? We drove it about 4 miles, and in that 4 miles, I fell in love! Such a smooth ride, with more options than I had ever had on any car I'd owned. It was the most perfect car I'd ever driven! We brought my 2006 white Honda Accord home that night. :)
I have laughed about this test drive for the past 2 years. God has such a great sense of humor! This Accord is my favorite car ever. It makes me happy every time I get into it.
But, I have taken home with me such a greater lesson. We often don't get what we think we will get in life. I thought for sure I knew exactly what I wanted, and what I didn't want in my car search. Bu,t if we are following God, what we get is so much better than we could ever imagine! He always wants the very best for us.... better than we could ever dream for ourselves.
So, if you see me driving my little Accord and smiling, or singing to the top of my lungs, you'll know its because my Father gave me a car that was more than I could ever ask for!

Please don't fight these hands that are holding you....

2011-05-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

Its been a difficult day. The destruction that is all around us, and the difficulties of the last few months have caught up with me. I walked through Walmart on the verge of tears, which was a embarassing at times. :) I watched families restocking their groceries. Some looked like they hardly had a penny to their names. I wondered how they would make it for the next few weeks. I listened, as the cashier told me about stories that her customers had told her about their experiences in the storms. I watched our neighbor on the corner wondering around his yard, looking so hopeless. My precious Dad stopped and talked to him about Jesus this morning. Then Dad came to our house and tried to chop the limbs off the trees in our back yard so we could at least get out on our deck.

I was thinking how the landscape has changed around here. And so have the lives of everyone in our community. Things will never look exactly the same. Families have changed. Homes have changed. We've been robbed of our peace of mind, in some ways. Yes, hearts and emotions have changed.

My mind keeps wondering back to last May. What a wonderful time it was! Our home was filled with joy! I long for those days again. I hope I can write, in detail someday about all that happened back then. But for now, I have to keep it between me and God. Some things are best left that way.

Thankfully there are many good times, now, too. Its the little things, you know? A good cup of coffee or a glass of my iced tea, the party Gordon throws every time I come home, the crystal clear blue sky, sunsets, laughter, kind words from a stranger, one of my babies at work giving me a kiss as they leave with their mom, watching deer graze as we go for a drive at Enterprise South, friends checking in to make sure we're ok, Yeah, its the little things....

As I ponder the day, I am reminded of a line in a song by Tenth Avenue North. "Please don't fight these Hands that are holding you. My Hands are holding you." All the plans that I have had for the past year have pretty much gone out the window. And now life comes down to trust. Do I fully trust the Hands that are holding me? Or do I fight against them? I choose to trust Him. Everything in His Word, everything in my past, and all the answered prayers tells me that He is truly completely trustworthy. He actually does greater than I could ever ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us)

Though I don't understand all that has happened over the past year, I will not fight the Hands that are holding me. For in these Hands there is safety, shelter, peace, and a plan that is so much greater than I could ever ask or think.

Isaiah 41:10 Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Gordon the wonder dog!

2011-04-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

We have this dog that we adopted at an animal shelter. I was looking at him today, and can I just be perfectly honest? He is ugly. Really ugly! One of those dogs that you would say "Gordon, bless his heart, he's not too pretty. He's sweet, though!" He has these little stick legs, a huge fat body, and I don't think his head has grown since he was a puppy! haha When we adopted him, the lady said "He's a dachshund mix. He won't get over 30lbs". Sixty pounds later, our dachshund mix is probably a rottweiler mix. haha And he smells bad MOST of the time... Gordon is a mess!
Gordon makes the weirdest expressions you've ever seen on a dog. Whatever expression he is making never fits the situation. When we come home, he bares his teeth and sometimes growls. That's his look of joy. When he is sad or upset, he wags his tail, and his eyes get really bright, as if he's happy. When he is playing, he can get a puzzled look on his face.
Yet we love him dearly! He is a vital part of our family. He is such a faithful companion, never missing a chance to guard me as I take the trash out, or walk me to the mail box. He loves to walk Lindsay to her car when she is leaving, making sure she's safe and all. He loves "porch time" when we sit outside on the porch at night and listen to the owls or watch the stars. He doesn't miss a chance to chase away a scary bunny from our lawn. (what would we do without bunny protection?) And when Daniel comes home...boy oh boy! It's like Christmas. Speaking of Christmas, Gordon loves it. He love to help get out the decorations. Then on Christmas day, he helps us unwrap our gifts, never minding if its for him, only wanting to help out.
As of late, he is graying. His face is looking older. He doesn't get around as well as he used to. He hobbles, and limps. He doesn't hear as well as he used to. Gordon will be 10 years old in August. Sadly, he is growing old. However, he fights it with all his might. He still runs to greet us, brings us his toys to play with, and makes us laugh every chance he gets.
I think I am much like Gordon (skinny legs and all)! I am generally a mess. Not reacting the way I always should when I've done something wrong. Laughing at inappropriate times. Or making a joke, when I should be more sensitive. Thankfully, God can use us even when we are a mess.
I am kind of leery of anyone who acts like they have it all together. You know the type...The 'perfectly manicured poodle' type. If I am faced with the same situation as they are, their reaction would be: "Praise God for this blessing and these blessed people and what He is doing in and through us as we diligently serve Him and bless His name". On the other hand, there's me, the mutt, standing there looking much like Gordon...bewildered and freaked out...and my reaction would be: "Seriously God??? You are going to make me deal with this...again...didn't I already pass this test??? Ok, Lord, ok...I'll do it... You must have a great sense of humor though, and be laughing your head off at me even as we speak..."
Yep, God could not have given us a better dog...he's perfect for our family, a mutt, just like me! :)

Our friend, Jonathan Cutrell, takes some beautiful pictures. He made Gordon look much better in this picture than he does in in real life. Thanks, Jonathan! :)

You won't relent until You have it all....

2011-04-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

The past three years have been mind boggling. This adventure called life has been full of ups and downs, really high highs, and really low lows. I have walked in places I never dreamed I'd walk in. I have felt so ill equipped to handle much of it.

Nothing in life prepares you to find out someone you have known very well is a child molester, and has been molesting someone that you love for 12 years. And then watch him get away with it. And nothing prepares you to hear a man's last words and helplessly watch him commit suicide, then watch his lifeless body float down the Tennessee River, only to be pulled under by the current and not found for weeks. Nothing prepares you for your best friend to become suicidal and call you daily to tell you, not only that she is going to kill herself, but how she is going to do it. (she did make it through that horrible time, and is doing well now.) That's only some of what I've walked through. Other things are far too personal to put on a blog, yet just as painful.

Thank God, there have been amazing, wonderful times too! Daniel choose to go to Lee University and got a full scholarship, Lindsay is being used in incredible ways to lead worship, I've made new friends, went on wonderful trips to the beach or the Smokies, saw prayers answered that were by far more than I could ask or think, and so much more! Life, as of late, has reminded me of that old Steven Curtis Chapman song "Saddle up your horses, we've got a trail to blaze....this is the great adventure"....

By far, though, there have been two things that have been most difficult to deal with. That would be, Daniel leaving the nest and moving away, and Mom's dementia. You see, the day Daniel moved, I knew, without a doubt, that he was gone for good. Oh, we still talk. And he still comes by for a visit. But I knew he was ready to be a man. That's what I'd raised him for, right? I am so proud of him! Daniel and I have this special bond. We understand each other on a different level than most people understand me. We fight, probably too often, but our hearts are joined together in a very strong bond that will never be broken. However, I knew when he left that day, that we'd remain close, but he would no longer be my little boy. I knew he was leaving to forge his own life, and while I would be included somewhat, I would no longer be the main woman in his life. I miss my little boy, til this day. There is a hole in my heart the size of Texas where he used to fit. It's the progression of life, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

And then there's Mom. We, too, are so very close. She has always been my rock. In many ways, she is still herself. We still laugh together, and chit chat on the phone. I am grateful to God that I still have her, and she still resembles the woman she's always been. But there are days when I want to talk to her. Really talk to her. Days when I need her advice. Days when I need her wisdom. But her memory won't allow her to carry on a deep conversation, or a conversation that goes beyond the weather, or what's on TV that night. It used to be, when times were hard, Mom was always checking in on me, and praying for me. That part of her is gone now. I am having to come to terms with that. I am having to grieve the loss of who she used to be. And now I'm learning to embrace who she is now. And I do embrace it! I love her so much, and admire her strength to walk through this time in her life. She keeps on fighting, keeps on trying, and keeps on going as much as she can. And she keeps on trusting God. What an amazing woman.

Why am I telling you all this? I must admit, some of it is therapeutic for me. There is something healing in writing about where you've been. But the main reason is, to tell you that whatever you are going through, where ever you are, whatever life is throwing at you, God will make a way! He will carry you, He will be there when life is so dark that you are crawling inch by inch with no light at the end of the tunnel. He will bring you through. Trust Him with all your heart, even when things (like watching a man commit suicide) make no sense at all. He is even greater than what you think He is. And He can be trusted, even when things are so hard.

Look around you! No matter what darkness you are walking through, there is probably something wonderful happening, too. Be thankful for the good and the bad. For it is all being used to carve you into the person He wants you to be. Hang on, friends! Sunday is coming! He will bring you through!
And no matter what, always bring Him praise! For, no matter your circumstances, He is worthy of praise!

Nahum 1:7
“God is good, a hiding place in tough times.
He recognizes and welcomes anyone looking for help,
No matter how desperate the trouble.” (The Message)
Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NIV)

"You won't relent " Misty Edwards

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

Grace, Shepherds, love, and other ramblings....

2011-04-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

This blog entry has been the death of me! Its been edited, reread, reedited, proof read by Lindsay, then reedited! I want to be completely transparent and totally honest. That's how I live my life. When I struggle, I want to share it. When God shows up in a mighty way, I want to allow Him to be glorified! But I have to be so careful not to hurt anyone in my life, or say too much about very private matters... but here goes....more ramblings....

Can I tell you? God's grace is sufficient to cover whatever you do. Its a beautiful thing. Hard to comprehend, really. I am living proof of His Grace. It covers my sins on a daily basis. I, above all, am the worst of sinners. Someday, over coffee, I'll tell you my testimony. Its such a beautiful picture of God and His grace.My life is an example of just what He can do to turn a sinner around and make something beautiful.

But His grace does not give us permission to live any way we please. I have been studying the book of Ephesians lately. It blows me away! God is calling us all to such a higher calling!

Our culture dictates differently. When we attempt to live a godly life, we are often shunned, even by fellow Christians. But God DOES call us to live a godly life, to try and attain righteousness and holiness.1 Peter 1:13-16 says God is calling us to holiness! HOLINESS!!! We are incapable of living it all out. We are human. We were born with a sin nature. That's where His grace comes in.

^{1 Peter 1:13} Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. ¹⁴ As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. ¹⁵ But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶ for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy"
I fail Him daily. I struggle daily with attitude problems, my tongue being out of control, pride, not believing God enough, and on and on...any else have struggles? But, His grace is enough! Praise Jesus! It covers my sins even though they break my heart and frustrate me to no end!

Walk wisely. And please don't use grace as permission to live your life anyway you please. Live deliberately. And be aware that others are watching you all the time.

My dad is a perfect example of this. He has won more people to Christ than anyone I know. Literally! How does he do it? He talks to them, loves them, doesn't judge them. He just relates to them where they are, forms a bond with them, then tells them about Jesus. People love him! But I have never seen him compromise his life in anyway in order to reach lost people. He lives out the life God has called us all to. I don't believe I will ever know how many people he has impacted until we get to heaven. What a beautiful testimony!

Your pastor is called to be a Shepherd. He should be able to love you and walk with you through all of life's battles, hurts, and problems. If he doesn't have a dose of the gift of mercy, then when times get hard, he won't be able to relate to you. I can not tell you how important it is to have a pastor that loves you, and like a shepherd, would walk with you through any valley, would hunt you down and love you back to life when you go astray, or would miss you like their own children when you leave the congregation.

My dear friends, this blog doesn't come from my own opinions, but from many years of walking with God and studying His Word. It not something I learned from a pastor, but straight from God's heart. Please, get in the Word. Learn what you believe. And follow God. Just make sure what you believe includes love, and reaching out to those that are hurting.

And finally,(and this has nothing to do with anything else I've talked about. Just thought I'd throw it in there haha) if God gives you a chance at love with someone that has everything you've prayed for, someone who loves God with all their heart soul and mind, someone who loves others, and someone who likes you, then don't let it go, not in the name of fear, or your past, or timing. Sometimes God's timing is different than ours. And sometimes, He is wanting you to trust Him and not live in fear. Maybe, just maybe, this time it will work. Maybe it will be the most beautiful love, exactly what you've prayed for. Maybe this is the person He created for you. Always take the chance. Always chose love.

One last thing. Never ever let someone that you love walk away without saying "I love you and you have meant the world to me." These are words I have regretted not saying to people I have loved. Don't live with the same regrets...

I love you all!

Discernment... and a healthy dose of wisdom

2011-04-13T14:55:00.001-07:00

I have the spiritual gift of discernment. There! I said it! I am feeling a little uncomfortable, but I finally said it! For whatever reason, in the Southern Baptist denomination (which I grew up in, and still attend), discernment is one of those gifts that we never talk about...kind of like tongues, and prophecy. They are never discussed. Admittedly, this gift can be a little peculiar, even scary at times. When I am walking closest to God, He speaks truths to my heart, or reveals things to me, that I know can only come from Him. I certainly couldn't come up with this stuff on my own!

If we were sitting at lunch together, I could tell you some stories...(boy! could I ever tell you some stories) of times God has manifested this gift in me. There have been times I have sensed Satanic spirits, lies, false teachings, and so much more. Those of you who have this gift, are totally nodding in agreement with me right now. We are kindred spirits. We understand each other on a very deep level, because we have walked through the same experiences.

Thankfully, God has given me doses of a couple of other spiritual gifts, like giving and faith. The gift of faith goes hand in hand with my gift of discernment. I can not possibly tell you how many times God has given me insight into something someone is going through, and called me to pray. These may be close friends, or people I barely know. Sometimes I pray for the people He lays on my heart for month's, until He lifts the burden.

Can I just say? That's my favorite way He manifests this gift. I love it when He does this. He will give me specific Scriptures to pray for them, or lay a specific need on my heart that they may have. Sometimes, I see the fruits of this, and sometimes I don't. The results are up to God.

But when He calls me to use my gift, it burns inside of me. I literally CAN NOT stop myself from speaking up about what He has shown me, or stop myself from praying for the people He puts in my heart. Lindsay and I were laughing about this last night. She knows me so well, and she can see it on my face when God has given me a revelation. Most of the time, she is understanding, or she at least acts like she is. But then there are times when she looks at me, with a bit of panic in her eyes, and says to me "Mom, NO! Please don't say anything. Please pray about it before you speak! Mom, PLEASE!" We laughed together last night and talked about how, if I always said what God revealed to me, people would think I was pretty loony! haha So, yes, I must shut it up a lot times. :)

And she is right. This unusual gift must be used with a healthy dose of wisdom. I have to be reminded of that from time to time, or I can really make a mess of things. Just because God has revealed something to me, doesn't mean I have to speak up and confront it. Sometimes He wants me to speak up. But often He's calling me to pray and allow Him to take care of the rest....

A healthy dose of wisdom...that's what is required of me. And a good sense of humor, because at times this gift can break my heart, especially when I watch people I've prayed for for a long time reject the path that God is calling them to. Some decisions that seem small, or simple at the time, can literally change the course of your life and pull you away from all He has for you. Satan is so subtle, and good Christian people, all to often, don't see his schemes.
That's where my gift comes in...Thank you Jesus, for this wonderful gift! When You allow me to use it, I am at my best! This body of Christ works so beautifully when all gifts are used as You plan. Love You so much!

Discernment / Distinguishing of Spirits - The special ability God gives to some to know with assurance whether certain behavior or teaching is from God, Satan, human error, or human power. The divine enablement to distinguish between truth and error, to discern the spirits, differentiating between good and evil, right and wrong.

People with this gift:
- distinguish truth from error, right from wrong, pure motives from impure
- identify deception in others with accuracy and appropriateness
- determine whether a word attributed to God is authentic
- recognize inconsistencies in a teaching, prophetic message, or interpretation
- are able to sense the presence of evil.

"For I am about to do something new..."

2011-04-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

My first ever blog! I can't believe I am doing this. The journey I have been on since I have been a Christian (25 years) has been incredible. But, the last three years have been unbelievable. It's been a roller coaster. There have been highest of highs and the lowest of lows, victories, defeats, questions about God, and questions about life. I have walked through circumstances that I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd go through. I have witnessed first hand (whether in my life, or the lives of those closest to me) the effects of suicide, sexual molestation, verbal and emotional abuse, depression, adultery, addiction, badly broken hearts, betrayal, neglect, dementia, an empty nest, and so much more. While all this sounds so horrendous (and it has been), life has also been laced with so much joy, laughter, fun times, love, healing, wonderful friendships, and victories! So don't feel bad for me! Its been a beautiful journey! :)

I have also witnessed and experienced Gods love, grace and mercy, heard His voice, and felt His presence in incredible ways. Sometimes, when I have felt I needed Him most, He has been silent. And sometimes, when I was least expecting it, He has shown up and done the most amazing things. He is a mystery to me, and yet the Love of my life. And no matter what, I have found Him faithful. I have found Him to be more than I could ever imagine.

So, I have decided to start this blog and document the journey. If anyone can gain anything from my walk, then I will be thrilled. I certainly don't have all the answers. In fact, I am still in the process of figuring a lot of things out. Most days I feel like I am feeling my way around in the dark. Its funny how the older you get, the less you seem to know about anything! As I was thinking about how to write, God reminded me to be respectful :) and mindful of the privacy of those who walk through life closest to me. So at times, I will have to leave some of my journey out. And at times I will change the names, alter the events, or change the places in order to protect the privacy of others.

So here I go.... like a long drive in the mountains, or a walk in the park, lets go on this journey together, and talk...